Forging ahead

Well with the close of yet another month and the winter in its dormant state filled with one gray day after another; at times choosing to allow sunshine to bring each of us out of our tepid state of mind - our family is diligently moving forward with our plans to move up north. Our original goal was to go up to Massachusetts August first of the this year, but there may be a possibility of moving it back one month because my oldest goes to camp in New Hampshire in July and the thoughts of two trips north while trying to pack is daunting at best. So we may be going up a month early and settling in around the first of July. Realtors have been contacted and the search is on to accommodate a family of 8 and four dogs. The dogs seem to be an obstacle at the moment as not many renters want to let a family of 8 AND their dogs stay at their property, for which I can completely understand. We are in the midst of a 30-day novena to good St. Joseph for whom I know will lend us a helping hand and sort out the details of the house rental.

I have taken on a full time job and have been working daily - I mean DAILY as in 7 days a week since January. It's been daunting. It's been exhausting, but I strive on knowing the money made will be going towards our goal this fall. It's been an adjustment for the children who have to entertain themselves and work hard on their studies before next fall with little help from me. I am thankful my oldest daughter, now a teenager is so responsible and helpful with the other children. The adjustment is felt by all, but we are all on the same page, most days anyhow. I have been known to threaten public school until we move to the kids on bad days, but they seem to get the message that we all need to pitch in and make this work. So I am thankful for that.

While I am happy and excited about the move I also have been revisited by my old friend anxiety and depression. I have been a sufferer for years now; most likely migraine induced depression - since the birth of my first child 13 years ago. I know it's a bit of a stigma and no one likes to talk about it. I have had friends email me privately and ask about antidepressants and the like because they don't feel comfortable talking about it in other circles. I think it's a shame to feel ashamed or the need to keep an illness like depression under wraps, but the reality is people don't want to talk about it; feel uncomfortable around those who suffer and really don't know what to do with depression sufferers as a whole. Most pull away; some hang around, but distance themselves, others can relate and those are the ones with whom you can unload and have a good cry with. Thank God for those in my life who have a broad shoulder. Coordinating a move is difficult and there are so many little factors. I can feel the rush of anxiety hit once to three times per day, but I know with God's help and the support of caring folks around us we'll make it to our destination and begin a new journey. I know the burden of schooling six children being lifted from my shoulders has already made a huge impact in my outlook on so many things. The world doesn't seem so dark and foreign anymore.

Asked if I will miss it here - I say no for now, but know I will miss the convenience of attending family functions and parties and the familiarity of all the things I know of my home state, but I look forward knowing we have made the correct decision for our family and know we'll be blessed by it.

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.”
~ Og Mandino

Quotations for motivation!

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. ~Author Unknown

Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes. ~From a billboard advertisement

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

Part of the issue of achievement is to be able to set realistic goals, but that's one of the hardest things to do because you don't always know exactly where you're going, and you shouldn't. ~George Lucas

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. ~Author Unknown

Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. ~Japanese Proverb

When the horse is dead, get off. ~Author Unknown (I like this one a lot!!)

Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals - Aristotle

Interesting to say the least...

It's been an interesting month to say the least. Our whole entire course has been set anew. I am happy and looking towards the goal and the new path that has been set, yet troubled in some ways by the path that had already been laid behind me. I write the following for closure on this hurtful chapter in my life (quite different from "obsessing") and with it a great sense of freedom.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. ~Robert Frost

Recently, I received a hurtful, mean, spiteful email from a former "friend." It made me doubt who I am, what kind of person, friend, Christian I am. No one wants to be in that place. No one wants to be taken down to the level of tears and heartache over who you are.

Yet, I am thankful that I got it because I was able to examine my thought process, my decision making and what I really want out of life; the path I am on etc...While I am not perfect (!) by any stretch of the imagination, the one quality I do possess is loyalty. G. K. Chesterton said, "We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea,and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." Perhaps it's because I am almost 100% Irish with a little tiny German thrown in there; Always remember to forget, the friends that proved untrue. But never forget to remember those that have stuck by you! ~ Irish proverb but I seem to hurt for a moment in time and have a great resolve to move on and forget the misfortunes that have afflicted me. This is a skill not easily mastered though one worth pursuing.

I am thankful at the end of the day for true, loyal friends - those who I know in person; some more than 30 years and going strong, those with whom I have been friends with for more than 10 years through the internet and my family for knowing my worth and validating that worth to me. Somebody close to me said, "Walk with your head held high and forget those who think they know what they are talking about. Deep down they are the ones who are truly hurting." There is a great deal of truth in that statement.

My profile for this blog reveals that this blog was started as my sanity in an insane situation - being hospitalized with my last child for two months and I say it is still my sanity. We live in a VERY politically correct world where most people are afraid to say what they are really feeling and even more afraid to stand up for themselves, defend their own decisions and walk proudly with their head held high. I made some mistakes, yes and have even taken the last week to seek out and make ammends to those with whom I have hurt, isolated or made to feel like an outsider. I, too, was once caught up in the high and mighty mentality, though I would not admit it at the time; it was more important to fit in than be put out. How very blind I was.

Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites; because you go round about the sea and the land to make one proselyte; and when he is made, you make him the child of hell twofold more than yourselves. St. Matthew 23:15

I was told I needed to seek counseling, "spiritual or otherwise." Judged by a person who has known me for a little time and understands me even less. The only consolation I can think of is that someday this person, and those with whom she surrounds herself will mature and see the world and those around them as what they are, imperfect creatures, created in God's image, striving to do their best; fallen in nature, but always picking themselves up and carrying on. It is still our christian duty to pray for those who have hurt you and to forgive. Everyone is carrying a weight that no one else will truly appreciate lest they walk a mile in that person's shoes. The hardest thing to do is pray for those who have offended you or hurt you, but prayer mends the heart and forgiveness is the only true path to spiritual growth.

I am counting down the days until August with great anticipation; not to escpae, but to start anew and do what God has planned for us. We prayed for him to open the doors and now He has. We need to grasp hold of His hand and have Him lead us and only seek to do His holy will, else nothing else makes sense.

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." ~ Helen Keller

Unexpected New Paths

Anyone who has been following this blog...(does anyone actually follow this blog?) knows that for a few YEARS my heart has been in Maine. Maine was my goal and all I thought about; something I worked towards and dreamed about.

Now, the Lord, in His wisdom happened to give me a wonderful and insightful husband, slow to impulsive activities (thankfully) and careful and deliberate in thought and judgment. I cannot say he did not want to move to Maine for I believe out of sheer love for me he would have. His argument to me over the past few years has been, "If we are going to uproot the family and move far away, why not move where there is a Traditional Catholic school in case of homeschool burnout?" Again, in his wisdom he knew how much I was struggling with homeschooling, how much my desire to homeschool has waned with every new child born. In addition, trying to make ends meet in this horrendous economy, living in one of the highest taxed states in the nation made it also very impossible to homeschool AND work. I work as a medical transcriptionist and have since 1998. Burnout? Yes. Probably three years ago, but I hung on because as a family we felt there was no option where we live now.

My wonderful husband kept suggesting Still River, MA where there is a Traditional Catholic School and Parish and where we have dear friends as well. I bucked that suggestion for a long time. I wanted Maine and my stubborn Irish self wanted what I wanted.

So for the past two years I have been saying a perpetual novena to St. Philomena and to St. Anne for answers; for doors to open if it be God's will. Nothing happened. And then I got a full time transcription job. This was good timing because the children were on winter break (they took a winter break instead of a summer one) so I could work and not have to school. A few weeks ago my daughter was somewhat in a bad mood and I asked what was wrong and she said, "Well school starts soon." I had a mini-panic attack about 20 minutes later as I realized the monumental task that working full time and homeschooling four children would be.

I can only say it was like my eyes were opened and instantly I picked up the phone and called the good Sisters at the Immaculate Heart of Mary School. I inquired whether there were any openings for a ninth grader and two fourth graders. I was told someone would get back to me. I waited all weekend and all through Monday. As each hour passed I felt more and more anxious. Sister finally called and said yes, there were openings in both 8th grade and 9th grade, but none in 4th, however, there were some in 3rd. Almost immediately after I hung up from our conversation I felt a HUGE burden lifted...like this could really happen. She was to send an application and then schedule an interview and testing for the children.

At the same time I called our realtor and asked about our home worth. Surprisingly, our home is worth more than we thought. More good news.

I got a call yesterday from Sister asking us to come up NEXT MONTH for the interview and testing and to have the children sit in on classes for the day. To say that Our Lord has opened the doors for us and shown us His will *not mine* is to say the least - obvious!

So, come August first we are headed up to Massachusetts to start a new life. My lifelong homeschooled children will be in the care of the good nuns of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart as well as the brothers.

I just find it interesting where God leads you in life. One might have a specific plan or goal, but God might have something totally different planned for you. Patience is not really a virtue for me, but I did learn quite a bit of patience waiting on God's response over the past two years.

We'll leave here missing our family - my sister and brothers and sister-in-law and brother-in-law and our nieces and nephews; our good friends the Rooneys as well. But as God had it in His plans - He has been detaching me from things and people not good for my soul or temperament (!) over the last year anyway, thus making it very easy to leave and start anew. Thankfully we go to a place where we have one of our closest friend's, the Meiers' who live up in Massachusetts and have made this journey six years ahead of us. We hope to gain much insight from their experience.

I will continue to trust God will let the pieces fall into place. Moving on seems to be easier than I thought it would be....

Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True

By Helen Steiner Rice

Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember,
The hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart
Start upward
And climb 'til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is ever too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it,
And you have the faith to believe.
For faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill,
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.
For faith is a mover of mountains,
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So, start out today with faith in your heart,
And climb 'til your dream comes true!