Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.
~ George Washington ~
The Lord had to break my heart before I could let myself leave....
~ A dear friend of mine ~
"Yes, there have been gaps in their [my children] education, but we'll handle it from here."
~ A Sister of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart of Mary ~
I have been meaning to blog for some time now but time I have very little of! So the three above quotes have great meaning to me. The last two were said to me very recently, the first quote will be words I will live by after we leave our home in New Jersey and start anew in Massachusetts. I was recently reading a book and in it the author said something to this effect, "A person will change and re-evaluate their life about every 10 years. They will stop and re-evaluate their life, relationships will change, grow and sometimes cease. Anyone worth his salt in this life can and should make changes every decade. If you have been married 50 years you should have at least 5 different relationships with your husband." I really thought about that and yes, that's about right on the mark and I believe I blogged about making changes in a previous post a few months back. The essence of who you are deep down never really changes, but it's good to check yourself every 10 years or so. I believe each decade a person matures and sees through a different set of eyes.
We have been praying for literally several years to find God's will for us. Raising six children in the state of NJ is difficult to say the least. Property tax, car insurance etc...all rank highest in the country. Frankly I was burning out FAST from homeschooling and having to work part time. My oldest was nearing high school and I wondered whether she would get an adequate education from me or my husband, or if we needed a tutor (more $$$). It was about time....that once every 10 year-re-evaluate happened and boy was it a whopper! My heart wanted to go to Maine and I tried everything to make it possible. No doors ever really opened. My husband, who is much more level headed than myself kept saying, if we are to make a move and leave New Jersey it might as well be a place where the children can go to school and get a good education under the guidance of some good nuns and brothers. Essentially there were two options: St. Mary's, Kansas and Still River MA. I really fought against this idea because I wanted to be in Maine so badly. I kept telling myself I would be a better homeschooling mom if we were in such a peaceful place such as the Pine Tree State. I was kidding myself. As soon as winter break was over and the kids started their curriculum back up I KNEW I could no longer homeschool. During their winter break I took on a full time job transcribing acute care for a hospital and trying to transcribe and educate the children properly was a huge failure.
On a whim, I called the sisters of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart. We had toured their school several years ago while visiting friends of ours who moved out of New Jersey up to the Massachusetts area to put their homeschooled kids in school. We loved the school and the sisters and brothers we had met, but it still wasn't God's time back then. Fast forward to my phone call. I spoke with the sister about what openings they might have as classes easily fill up and they have waiting lists for certain grades. There was an opening for my oldest in both 9th and 8th grade, depending on where she tested. For my younger 8 and 9 year old, their grade 4 was already filled. This was a great disappointment, BUT sister said, "How about I send you some information and an application. Fill it out and we'll schedule a weekend for you to come up and test the kids." So that's what we did. In the end all three of my older children got in the school! There is no Kindergarten so I will have my 6 and 5 year old home with me for another year, as well as my baby Philomena.
We were so pleased, but yet there were so many obstacles to face. How would we EVER sell our home in this market? That, too, was taken care of by Good St. Joseph. What about renting in Massachusetts? What would we do? St. Joseph also took care of this for us. In my perpetual novenas to both St. Joseph and St. Philomena, I just placed all my cares in their hands and asked them to give those worries and difficult, seemingly impossible situations, to the Father. They both came through for our family.
Only a year or so ago, if you had asked me if I would EVER be able to leave our family and friends I would have honestly had to say that I couldn't see how I could ever leave my immediate family and my extended church family. So in my nightly prayers, starting about a year ago I started asking Our Lord to detach me from those things that would hold us back from HIS WILL for us. I never dreamed His detachment would have broken my heart. Hence, the above quote from a good and dear friend. I asked this person, "How did you ever leave?" She said to me very simply, "God had to break our hearts before paving the way to move on." So we are where they were a few years back. I suppose sometimes God needs to really show us where our priorities WERE so that we can make a clear and clean path to following HIS priorities for us. Speaking for myself, my extended friend base with whom I was closest to revolved around church. They were like family and as close as family. But our Good Lord slowly detached me from them, sometimes in ways that puzzled me, sometimes in very harsh ways that tore me apart from the inside. But now I can say I see the wisdom in that because I can leave and not look back. My good friend who left the same environment said she, too, never looked back and moving was the best thing that ever happened to them. I pray this will be our case as well.
I am leaving much wiser for it as the quote from George Washington states, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence." I have met some wonderful folks up north, who are very involved in their school and parish, but I go treading lightly, wanting only to look from the outside in; having learned very valuable lessons here in NJ. You make yourself vulnerable by giving all of yourself away to others you feel you can trust. It only takes on time to be crushed by a person you once thought close as a blood relative to know that sometimes it is just easier to live your own life, be
courteous to all, but intimate with few' and I will add a very SMALL number of few.
I am working two jobs now helping save money for tuition and the move and it keeps me busy, which is a good thing, but I have my moments of great heartache and sorrow. I also turn that over to St. Philomena and Our Lady to use for my own good. I have grown quite a bit, learned who I am and where I am comfortable. I have learned that conforming for the sake of conforming is somewhat like the Pharisees of old. I have learned that a true friend gives sound and godly advice and doesn't do anything to betray the trust that is placed in each other. True friends do not condone the terrible behavior of others in either a covert or an overt way. I've learned in life we do not need to have a LOT of people around us to function. We need our family, our children and a few trusted folks to keep our lives happy and sound. I have learned to be myself whether anyone else likes it or not. I have learned in life there are times one must try our best to conform to the ideals of others out of respect, but not lose yourself in the process. I have learned that God gave us a mind to think, reason and use judgment (not PASS judgment) to get along in this life and we are capable of this use of reason without the nod of yea or nay from a formal group. I have learned that it is a good thing to step out of the elitist circle and just be an average person who, like most others, is just trying to do the right thing. I have learned we can and do make mistakes but we are a better person if we have learned by our mistakes.
