Be careful what you pray for...

I was just telling a friend of mine who lives in North Carolina about how I have recently been experiencing God's hand in many areas of my life lately.

Our (well, MY) desire to move to the Pine Tree State has been in my soul since the moment I crossed the state's border 13 years ago on a trip to Bar Harbor with my husband. We were "roughing it" and going to camp for the week. This is a really funny story that I will save for another time. We saw so many truly beautiful sites and what struck me the most was the clean, clear air; the deep blue skies and the rustic, almost forbidden rocky coastline. Then there was the lobster. Oh the fresh lobster from the Trenton Bridge Lobster pound which we took back to our tent and "grilled" over an open campfire and dunked in warm melted butter. My taste buds practically jumped out of my mouth saying to me, "Where have you been hiding us all these years?" I think there are just some places that get into your soul and never leave. It's different for different people; some people it just never happens to as they are just contented to stay put and live out there lives in the every day of it all. I have never been one of those people, try as I may to conform, my spirit has always been, well pioneering if that is the right word.

I only ever remember moving three times as a child. One from a small row home in a suburb of New Jersey where Fourth of July parades are a huge event and kids trick-or-treating goes on for hours and hours; a place where everyone knows everyone and if you are ever in need all you need to do is walk next door (or shout from your open window!). We moved from our row home to a single family home on the other side of the same town. Life was good. Childhood was good. We moved once more when I was about 12 to a much more rural setting. A culture shock indeed. Instead of walking to the grocery store or the corner store for lunch meat now we had to pile in the car and drive almost a half hour to grocery shop. Three moves in my "formidable years". Though I did, however, switch schools in almost every grade. I counted once and came up with 7 different schools from Kindergarden to my senior year. Sometimes we were pulled out at the end of the year, sometimes it was mid-year; each time it required a skill for making new friends quickly and fitting in became an art in and of itself. Perhaps that is why I cherish faithful, loyal friends in my adult years.

From then - after graduation and the death of my father - I moved 19 times in five years. I lived in many different states including New York, Delaware, North Carolina (shutter), New Jersey and Ohio. It never occurred to me that a move is a major deal. I just desired to go and I did. Of course I wasn't married at the time nor did I have children to tow along. I was very adventurous. I traveled to many places like Canada, Mexico, the Pocono Mountains, the Keys in Florida, Seattle, Chicago, Columbus Ohio, Washington DC, Baltimore, Blue Ridge Mountains in West Virginia, Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, Lake Placid NY, Massachusetts, Myrtle Beach SC; I could probably go on, but the point is none of these places ever really got into my soul the way that Maine has rooted itself in my heart.

So now that I am married with a family and well, roots here in NJ, the decision to follow that adventurous spirit is much more difficult because it affects more than just my life. It took years of discerning and dreaming and praying to figure out if a move would make a better way of life than what we have here. Adventurous spirit aside, it's difficult to make a living here in NJ.

A long time ago I began to pray a certain prayer to Our Lord. This was VERY difficult for me because it was asking Our Lord to take away my will and desire to move. I said, "If this is not your will for us then please take away this desire and let me just have peace of soul right here." Simple enough request right? I don't see any reason why Our Lord wouldn't honor that request from one of his children. Of course I had St. Philomena and St. Padre Pio on my side as well. I was willing to let go of my dream and my own will for God's will in my life and the life of my family. I prayed for probably two years. It never went away and in fact grew stronger.

So when my husband, who was very much against a move (he just doesn't like to move. Period.) finally said he wanted to do this move as well, it was like a small answer to prayer. So over the past six months or so we have been slowly coming to the idea that yes, we were indeed going to go and actually set a time frame, the next problem, which isn't really a problem per se, is the friends and relationships and our wonderful Traditional parish. It killed me every time we would go to Mass and I would see my children play with the children they have all grown up with - that sense of nostalgia just overtook me to the point where I would question weekly whether we were making the right choice. So I started praying that the Lord would begin to help me detach from the things that would inhibit our decision to move forward with the move. I wanted to detach in a way; I needed to detach, but I could not by my own will do so for this is my family, these are my friends and this is my place of worship; this is my whole world. But God in His providence also took care of that, though I cannot say it feels good at this moment, but I know He is answering my specific prayer.

Over the past several months I have watched many of those people with whom I had been extremely close slip further away from me, many times leaving me scratching my head as to why? What had I done? I saw different circles forming and I was finding myself outside those circles and again I couldn't understand why (see my previous post on friendships). I began to think maybe I was just being too "Type-A" and it was driving people away from me. I am not sure why I didn't put two and two together sooner, but I suddenly realized this is God's way of detaching me. He knows me. He knows how important it is for me to feel close to my friends and this was His work. I now almost feel like a visitor amongst my former close circle, just watching from the outside. I cannot say it is like this with everyone because I still feel close to a few, but I am definitely not in the center of the "hub of activity" if that makes sense.

God is good, though, because when He begins to close doors He will also open other opportunities to fill the needs of the ones He loves. At the same time the detachment started I was suddenly being led to many homeschoolers in Maine through many different avenues. I met a wonderful friend through a Maine forum and she and I have been corresponding now for five months or so. It's neat to uphold each other in prayer and give encouragement to each other because we are working toward the same goal. I also was introduced to the nicest woman who also has six children through a friend I have here in NJ. She, in turn, is going to introduce me to another family who attends the Traditional Mass in Maine. I have joined a homeschooling loop up there and have spoken with some wonderful women who truly are on fire with their faith. I marvel at their faith because I have been so inundated with the Traditional Church and the no-so-glorious-light that is shown on those who attend the Novus Ordo from some Traditional Catholics, and I see these women who attend the Ordinary Form of the Rite or the Novus Ordo (wrote another post on the Novus Ordo recently that stemmed from my reflections on these women). I keep thinking of the musical, The Sound of Music when Maria tells Mother Superior, "when God closes a window He always opens a door."

At any rate, I have complete trust that if and when we do this move we will be blessed. God will not abandon us or our children because we choose a different way of life. It's uncomfortable to let go and let God; especially uncomfortable for those who tend towards controlling the events that happen around them, ie., me.

To end, I am thankful for a wonderful husband who is willing to give up his own comfort zone; who is willing to leave his own family (though we are hoping our mother-in-law will eventually join us up there permanently) and all he has EVER known to go to a territory completely foreign to him, with the exception of vacations each year; all for love of his wife and hopefully a better life for our children. I am blessed indeed by him. I wonder if he knows how much I am thankful for him?

Traditional Catholic includes the Novus Ordo

I was a bit disturbed today by a comment made by a friend and I got to thinking afterward that this topic would make a good blog post, though I know what I have to say will probably have some thinking, "I knew she was losing her way and now I really know she has lost it." Unfortunate, yes - but true that some will think this after reading this post.

I was under the weather last night, lasting throughout most of the evening. Sometimes this happens to me when a migraine is on the horizon...I get sick in the middle of the night for some strange reason and then BAM (!) within 24-48 hours I get a full blown migraine. At any rate, since I was sick through most of the night I was exhausted this morning and couldn't get up to make it to Mass. I elbowed my wonderful husband and told him he better get up and get the little ones to CCD; all this at 8:55 (they have to be at church at 9:45)! So they all scrambled and got out the door while I snoozed to catch up on my sleep for which I was robbed in the hours preceding the scurry out the front door to Mass this morning. The children were in a Christmas play so I fell out of bed around 11:15 or so and got myself together feeling weak, but much better! We spent the better part of the afternoon watching all the children and some adults of the Parish perform beautiful Christmas plays and songs.

Before the festivities began, though, I mentioned to my oldest daughter that I would be going to our local parish (a Novus Ordo Roman Catholic Church) that evening; this was within earshot of my friend of five years or so. She smirked a bit and started to comment....thought about it for two seconds and then returned again to make the comment. She said, "Well, I guess that will be your penance for the week huh?" I just looked at her straight in the eye and said, "I like the Novus Ordo and I do not mind going one bit." There was really nothing more to say after that. She just turned and probably felt that awkward moment we all feel when we meant for a comment to be funny, but then it wasn't received as such. I tried to smile and move on and we chatted about our children and such just before the Christmas concert began. I cannot dislike this person because she has lost her perspective, but I can make a stand for the examination that I have made over the past six months to a year.

This comment gave me such great pause because it is a topic I have been giving great thought and consideration to over the past six months or so. I was born and raised in the Ordinary Rite of the Catholic Church. It was there I received all my Sacraments and it was there my heart and soul always longed. We left for the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite, or the Traditional Latin Mass, seven years ago for various reasons - reasons I won't go into at this point in time, but I never was a Novus Ordo hater. I have fond, fond memories in the Novus Ordo. I am blessed to say I never experienced or witnessed some of the extreme nonsense that does go on in some parishes, like the Clown Mass etc...Most parishes that I belonged to were pretty Orthodox. I worked for several years as a full time Youth Minister and those were very blessed years indeed.

I find much of the animosity comes from converts to the Faith and even those who have never actually spent time in the Novus Ordo. I totally reject the idea that somehow these millions of Catholics are less than ideal or somehow lost in their Faith. I must admit that when I first started attending the Extraordinary Form, the Traditional Latin Mass, I was caught up in the beauty and the reverence and yes (!) this is the way it should be all over. Somewhere in the last 40-45 years the Church has gotten off track and became watered down, lost the reverence for Christ's true presence, but at the end of the day we are all Catholics and none of us know anyone else's heart or thoughts. As I sat in Mass this evening and looked around at the people I saw people just like myself, kneeling in prayer before Mass starts, genuflecting in reverence for the presence of Christ on the altar, receiving Our Lord in Communion with great respect. It is there and these people are just like me and just like anyone else whether they worship at the Traditional Mass or the Novus Ordo or any other valid Rite of the Catholic Church. No one person is any better than the other. This bigotry works both ways as well. I know personally some folks who think what we do at the Traditional Mass is outdated and well - fringe.

For a while I believe I was treading down a slippery path in my way of viewing these other folks who are all encompassed in the ONE Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. I let myself be influenced by some people I know, by websites I was visiting, by articles I was reading. I fell prey to some of the same skewed thought patterns probably six years ago and thereafter for quite some time. I had to take a time out and realize I am no better than anyone else. I am thankful that I can attend a wonderful Mass such as the Traditional Latin Mass. I do see the fruits of the labor of the Extraordinary Form, but I do not demonize any other valid Rite of the Church either. It's not christian charity to do so. I took this inventory, of course, after much prayer and thought that went into making the decision to move to Maine. The entire state of Maine has two Traditional Catholic Masses. Two. I had to stop and say, "Am I willing to go to the Ordinary Form if need be; maybe daily Mass with the children at the Novus Ordo, which seem to be in abundance up there, and Sunday at the Traditional Latin Mass?" This was a BIG question. And then, like many other things in my life I really had to question WHY I had shut out something that was so dear to me my entire life? I mean I know the reasons I left for a more Traditional setting, but why was I so resistant to returning?

I think a person can begin to believe anything under the influence of many like-minded folks telling them, "this should be this way and that should be that way" and lose perspective. That's what happened to me. I lost my perspective. What I do know in my heart is what we say in the Creed:

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

I hope we can all open our hearts even a little to see we are all Catholic no matter the valid Rite we worship under.

Are they all yours?

All joking aside! I wrote this because over the years it has just become very amusing to see other people's reaction to our shopping trips out with all the children. As a matter of fact, I was out at Wal-Mart yesterday doing some food shopping and other miscellaneous things. Picture the scene: I had a cart for the groceries followed by a cart with my 4-year-old and my 5-year-old being pushed by my 12-year-old; this followed by my 9-year-old pushing my 1-year-old in the umbrella stroller. It was like a train rolling down the tracks of the "stuff mart." Everyone stops to stare as if we are all dressed like elves wearing those funny reindeer head pieces as well. Most of the time I can see folks counting silently with their lips still moving....1.2.3.4.5.6 and then they look at me with this look of pity or amazement; probably a combination of both.

I never used to let it bother me and sometimes I still don't, but there are days when I just want to get in and get out without the popular, "Are they ALL yours?" or "How do you do it?" or the even more intrusive, "Are you planning on having any more?" as if that is ANY of their business!

I have days of melancholy when I think of my one and a half year old outgrowing things like the bouncy seat or the need of a head-rest, walker etc. I put these items away or lately have been giving them away. We will not be having any more: orders from my Obstetrician. My body just cannot handle any more children. My womb is just too fragile to chance any more. My life and my youngest child's life was already in danger with the last pregnancy. So, as God would have it, we are complete at six. At 42 years old I feel a sense of relief on most days! I am enjoying my little one - watching her grow and go through all of those last milestones that I will not experience any more, except perhaps with my Grandchildren, Lord willing!

We are a bit of a freak show when we go out. Others stare at us like we are some kind of circus act, but I have learned through the years to ignore them. On some rare moments we do get a compliment, mostly when we go out to a restaurant. The children are very well behaved when we go out. Someone inevitably will say, "I have to tell you how well behaved your children are!" Those are the moments I smile to myself and think that we are doing a good job! It is very difficult juggling the chores of a small farm, raising six children, homeschooling four of them and working part time from home through all the noise, but this is the life God has blessed us with and I wouldn't have it any other way.