Throwing away the crutch!

When fear is excessive it can make many a man despair.
- Saint Thomas Aquinas

Sometimes I feel like fear holds me back quite a bit in life. One must not take unnecessary chances or make foolish decisions, like moving a family of eight out of state in this horrible economy without proper thought and prayer and discernment. But one mustn't also let fear paralyze oneself either to stay stagnant because it feels safer that way. Time goes by quickly - that much I do know!

My oldest is now teetering on the brink of becoming a teenager. I distinctly remember when I officially began homeschooling her; she and I were in our kitchen in our home in the burbs. I was cooking and she placed herself on the step and we were going through the alphabet one letter at a time. I would say the letter, she would repeat the letter and then make the "sound" of the letter and give me a phonetical example. She had just turned four at the time. Six short months later she was reading her first book, "Look at Bump" a book about an elephant. So long ago...

And now she does her work in the dining room with her sister and brother and when the spirit moves me to get her five year old younger brother in there to teach Kindergarten; him too. I love the life of homeschooling - I actually loathe the task of homeschooling. Perhaps it is because I now have an 8th grader, 4th grader, 3rd grader, and Kindergartner doing actual work as well as a pre-schooler who is eager to do work and a 20-month-old eager to tear up the work of the older siblings. I also have my transcribing jobs to contend with as well as massive amounts of laundry that always needs folding and meals that always need to be cooked and dishes that always need to be cleaned.

The conundrum: I love the life homeschooling has afforded our family. Our children are each other's best friends. We live and work as a family unit, yet we each have our own identity. The children also have their own set of friends outside of the family unit. I love that we are together. Yet there are days I loathe that we are so together, especially when my work is backed up and I am trying to transcribe difficult audio and I have children shoving books under my nose, asking me to quiz them in spelling, asking me to pour them some more orange juice and informing me the baby has just knocked over the plant and is tangled up in the ivy strands. Yet there's always the "on the other hand" isn't there? I think back to my oldest child and her reading me "Look at Bump" and me being absolutely floored that I taught her how to do that. In fact I taught three of my six how to read so far. Not an easy task under stressful circumstances, and we have had many stressful circumstances through the homeschooling years! The question hanging over my head lately, should we or shouldn't we place the children in a traditional school setting? There are two schools on our radar that we would like to place them in; one in NH and one in MA, so both states are in the running for our move out of NJ. But at the end of the day, is it what we really want to do? I don't want to go backwards into a more radical traditional circle. I am finally realizing I am a square peg in a round group of traditionalists and a move like those two would make me, well....even the more square(er) let us say. After homeschooling for eight years and seeing some fruits of our labor, would a traditional school setting be the answer for this family? I am realizing in a very bold manner what a life long sacrifice homeschooling ones' children really is, because as it stands I still have 16 years left before my last one will graduate.

My confessor frequently tells me that I am "too hard on myself" and this I know to be true. I do not know what it means to relax. God did try to force my hand when He decided to put me in the hospital for five weeks with Philomena (see earlier posts) and I did HAVE to make myself slow down and try to relax. Should I realize my potential and understand what it means to relax, enjoy my children, educate them for eternity then perhaps I can embrace homeschooling instead of fighting against it all the time. Maybe that is the secret key? If this IS indeed the key, then Maine is at the top of the list for the move for there is NO school up there (at least none that we would choose to send our children to), although I was told there is an active Catholic homeschooling community outside of Portland. I have to check into this a little bit more.

And so we continue to discern and pray. We hope to soon make a decision and ask God to bless our decision. Our goal is simple: Go where the cost of living is a bit easier on the wallet, the way of life is a bit slower and where we can really start living the Liturgical life in our home.

I may save this for another post, but the long and short of my thought process is this: I feel we have been particularly blessed to be apart of a wonderful, active traditional Catholic parish; a very unique parish indeed. Because our parish has all the trimmings we have, well we have become a bit lazy in our own home - not really living our liturgical life at home the way it is supposed to be lived out. As I reflect on this I feel in part this is because we can just show up at Mass and get "all the stuff" we need to fill our lives spiritually. For the past seven years, at least for me, I have used our "active, social parish" as a crutch; replacing the liturgical life I should have been living in our home! I became a bit lazy, I must admit, knowing the parish would fill the gaps that weren't being met at home. What made me reflect on this? Well, someone once told me, "If you want your children to lose their faith, move to Maine." This coming from someone who actually was moving away from Maine to an "active Traditional community". That statement never left me and actually drove a deep fear into me. But once I took a sufficient amount of time (about a year) to reflect upon what she said I began to realize that Catholic children can lose their faith no matter where they are! I have seen Traditional Catholic teens lose their faith all over the spectrum and I have seen nominal Catholics become inflamed with their faith while heading into their 20's. We can only pray for our children, do our best, raise them up in the spirit of God, live out the Liturgical life at home to the best of our ability and entrust them to the Sacred Heart and Immaculate Heart and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. If we let fear trap us then we truly are not placing our trust in God wholeheartedly. What I believe WE need to do is get rid of the crutch we are so used to and start living out our lives at home the way we are supposed to!

I think I will post more on this later.

When is it time for a change?

Yes, our seasons of life change and for me and my family we look forward to a hopeful future, a possible move north and quieter way of life. Sometimes I long for the one or two close friends and distance myself from myriad of folks with opinions by the minion. Conform or lose your place. I don't need to conform. I need to be me and my soul and spirit needs to continue to long for God and follow His will. When the focus is off the material beings and moving more heavenward; it is then we truly move into the next season of our life.

I wanted to springboard off of my last entry and go into a little bit about where we, as a family, are moving toward, praying about and at times struggling with ~ the idea of moving north. Why? Every logical explanation would point towards keeping our roots firmly planted here, in New Jersey, where our family and friends and vibrant church family reside. We have built a life here. Our ties run very deep.

Moving into this new season of life - our forties - has opened our eyes to many things, unfortunately one of them would be bills; more specifically making our bills, saving for the future - possibly three weddings for our girls, possibly six college educations, or at least partially contributing to them, retirement etc. These are heavy duty responsibilities and each needs to be addressed at some point to make sure we are in a position to fulfill these needs.

It is no secret that New Jersey is a state with a very high cost of living. In fact, in our research, we have found NJ to rank the 7th highest state in the country for cost of living index. While some think "it's all relative" in regards to the higher pay scale for which those in the Mid Atlantic states enjoy, regardless it is still a rat race and one in which a large family of eight finds hard to keep up with. Keeping our heads above water has become increasingly difficult.

For the past year I have been joining various forums and speaking with folks from other areas of the northeast, for which both my husband and I have a particular affinity, and understand "it's bad all over," but one has to wonder if it's relative? Speaking for myself my soul belongs in Maine. My husband and I first visited this beautiful, rugged state in 1997. We went camping in Bar Harbor. I cannot describe the feeling my soul experienced when I viewed the tall pines and breathed in the salty ocean air or took a long, cleansing breath atop the peak of a Mount Cadillac. It's just something that gets in there and doesn't leave. A flight of fancy perhaps? While I might have answered "possibly" a year later, I can safely say that returning each summer for 12 years a flight of fancy it is not. It is no secret that I am a cold-weather gal. Everyone who knows me and knows me well can testify that the slightest hint of humidity sends me into a deep melancholy and mad dash for the air conditioning switch, much to my husband's chagrin. Lately - now that November has rolled in, we have spent many a night on the deck with the fire pit, enjoying the chilly breeze and warming our hearts and souls and bodies by the fire, often reciting the rosary as a family out there or roasting marshmallows. What is missing? The loud silence and the tall pines, the clear air and crystal water of the northern states. I cannot say it's the same - in fact a morose on my part listening to the Atlantic City Expressway hum as we recite the mysteries.

So the question becomes: are we chasing a dream? Yes. And what is wrong with that if one does so responsibility, without impulsivity? Many questions have warred within our minds and hearts as we have prayed and contemplated this move: will the children adjust? Will we make friends? Will the distance between ourselves and our family be a negative impact on the children - on us? Will we be able to get as much out of the two Traditional Masses being offered in Maine as we do in our active parish here in NJ? And then reality hits us and we say, "How can we afford to continue here in NJ in this economy raising a family of eight?" And so we go back and forth; at times believing we have made a concrete yes or no only to revisit the thought a month or two later.

God will lead us in this season of life. Ironically I prayed two novenas to St. Theresa of the Little Flower. While I am not one for asking Our Good Lord for a sign, I did in this case because it is just too big a decision to go on instinct. My first novena was back in June. Specifically I asked her for yellow flowers if it is Our Lord's will and if He would bless such a move and take care of our children's souls and red for us to stay put. On the ninth and final day of the novena I received my red flower. Though saddened because my heart yearns for points further north, I accepted my answer and prayed that our Lord would settle our restless hearts. About a month ago when the yearning began anew, stronger than ever, I started another novena begging St. Theresa to understand my "second request" and after two weeks my husband came home with a bouquet of yellow flowers, unaware of my current novena I was making. What am I to make of these seemingly conflicting answers? Perhaps, after some reflection, that Our Lord would bless us in either decision. I feel at peace with that answer, especially since Our Lord has shown me other smaller signs that detaching ourselves from our current way of life would be a blessing in and of itself.

And so it appears we move closer and closer to a decision to go north, follow our hearts and open ourselves to what other possibilities life might have to offer.

Seasons of change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

A season of change does not necessarily apply to the physical seasons themselves; the leaves changing in fall, the snow in winter, the flowers in spring and the green, green grass of summer. While I entirely enjoy each season and what it has to offer, with the exception perhaps of summer, the seasons of change that I am referring to here in this post is more the season of life changes. Much has happened since the birth of my last child 20 months ago. I moved into my 40's and well, life has slowed in a way. Yes, I am busy homeschooling 4 of the 6 children and tending to the house, trying to run my business Fidelis Transcripts, running and taking care of a farmette - yes that's a busy life indeed, but slowed in the fact that I am no longer pregnant indefinitely (thanks be to God) and sleep deprived and tied to the bottle in the middle of the night. Well, let's be honest - I do have my bottle, by I digress.

I am speaking of the seasons of life that a person goes through. I believe you go through one each decade. Your 20’s are all about finding love, having fun, being carefree. Your 30's are all about making your way and establishing your life while growing a family and then you hit your 40's and you wonder who you are. I know, I know - that sounds SO cliché', but for many of us we hit our 40's and realize we were so busy in our 30's just surviving childbirth and diapers and bottles that we don’t' remember who we were in our carefree 20's! We find ourselves lost in a sense.

For me personally in my 30's I clung to many very orthodox principles and went gung-ho and full fledged, following the crowd if you will of my dear friends in my circle who share my common beliefs. I read many articles, books and heard many lectures on what is supposedly right and what should be avoided at all costs and just followed them without hesitation in the spirit of "sacrifice." I didn't take into account the "sacrifice" I was already making and presenting to Our Lord just by being open to life. I was doing it all as my Type A personality usually dictates.

Some kind of light-bulb moment happened to me in the spring of 2009 after my youngest preemie was home and thriving - out of the "danger zone." We could actually breathe now and then it hit me - what now? What now? I was becoming increasingly restless and questioning why have I been doing what I have been doing for the past seven years? I started to re-evaluate my outward practices while concentrating on my inward spirituality. I made many changes, especially outwardly, specifically switching from skirts to pants on a daily basis. While I loved my time in skirts and feel it gave me a better appreciation for femininity and modesty I could feel my angst growing for having to wear them. I read much on St. Gianna Beretta Molla, a physician, a working mom, professional woman, and a loving wife and, might I add, a woman who wore pants on occasion! I began to think that following the crowd in either direction might not be such a good thing if you do not have full conviction to do so.

Many things happened after my switch. My heart and soul remained the same and in fact my spiritually increased - perhaps I was over-compensating because of some hidden guilt that I was raised with, but nevertheless - a change occurred in me. I felt like ME again and it was a freedom I hadn't felt in a long, long time. I was not so fortunate though in transitioning my new-found outward freedom with my close circle of friends. I love my circle of friends. Many of them have true conviction and are devout, humble human beings for which I hold much respect, but there was a sense of ousting that occurred. It was subtle, but it happened. Perhaps I was going through some "spiritual warfare" as one close friend put it. No - I am going through another season of life. One that many of the younger generation of orthodox Catholics might not understand because they are still in the weeds; the thick of things, unable to open up their hearts and minds that all of us evolve and change and that might not always equal something bad.

While I spent many a day hurt and puzzled by the subtle, yet obvious in ways, treatment, I think I really grew into the woman I am supposed to be in this season of my life. It's very easy to close one's mind and make rules and regulations black and white; it's much harder to try to understand the changes of close friends and then accept them for who they are and what they are going through.

I learned a valuable lesson through all of this: True friends will be there for you no matter what you are going through; fly-by-nighters will let you go and as hurtful as that is, it is a part of life and we can either treasure how we have been touched by their friendship or become bitter at the end-results.

Yes, our seasons of life change and for me and my family we look forward to a hopeful future, a possible move north and quieter way of life. Sometimes I long for the one or two close friends and distance myself from myriad of folks with opinions by the minion. Conform or lose your place. I don't need to conform. I need to be me and my soul and spirit needs to continue to long for God and follow His will. When the focus is off the material beings and moving more heavenward; it is then we truly move into the next season of our life.