Yes, our seasons of life change and for me and my family we look forward to a hopeful future, a possible move north and quieter way of life. Sometimes I long for the one or two close friends and distance myself from myriad of folks with opinions by the minion. Conform or lose your place. I don't need to conform. I need to be me and my soul and spirit needs to continue to long for God and follow His will. When the focus is off the material beings and moving more heavenward; it is then we truly move into the next season of our life.
I wanted to springboard off of my last entry and go into a little bit about where we, as a family, are moving toward, praying about and at times struggling with ~ the idea of moving north. Why? Every logical explanation would point towards keeping our roots firmly planted here, in New Jersey, where our family and friends and vibrant church family reside. We have built a life here. Our ties run very deep.
Moving into this new season of life - our forties - has opened our eyes to many things, unfortunately one of them would be bills; more specifically making our bills, saving for the future - possibly three weddings for our girls, possibly six college educations, or at least partially contributing to them, retirement etc. These are heavy duty responsibilities and each needs to be addressed at some point to make sure we are in a position to fulfill these needs.
It is no secret that New Jersey is a state with a very high cost of living. In fact, in our research, we have found NJ to rank the 7th highest state in the country for cost of living index. While some think "it's all relative" in regards to the higher pay scale for which those in the Mid Atlantic states enjoy, regardless it is still a rat race and one in which a large family of eight finds hard to keep up with. Keeping our heads above water has become increasingly difficult.
For the past year I have been joining various forums and speaking with folks from other areas of the northeast, for which both my husband and I have a particular affinity, and understand "it's bad all over," but one has to wonder if it's relative? Speaking for myself my soul belongs in Maine. My husband and I first visited this beautiful, rugged state in 1997. We went camping in Bar Harbor. I cannot describe the feeling my soul experienced when I viewed the tall pines and breathed in the salty ocean air or took a long, cleansing breath atop the peak of a Mount Cadillac. It's just something that gets in there and doesn't leave. A flight of fancy perhaps? While I might have answered "possibly" a year later, I can safely say that returning each summer for 12 years a flight of fancy it is not. It is no secret that I am a cold-weather gal. Everyone who knows me and knows me well can testify that the slightest hint of humidity sends me into a deep melancholy and mad dash for the air conditioning switch, much to my husband's chagrin. Lately - now that November has rolled in, we have spent many a night on the deck with the fire pit, enjoying the chilly breeze and warming our hearts and souls and bodies by the fire, often reciting the rosary as a family out there or roasting marshmallows. What is missing? The loud silence and the tall pines, the clear air and crystal water of the northern states. I cannot say it's the same - in fact a morose on my part listening to the Atlantic City Expressway hum as we recite the mysteries.
So the question becomes: are we chasing a dream? Yes. And what is wrong with that if one does so responsibility, without impulsivity? Many questions have warred within our minds and hearts as we have prayed and contemplated this move: will the children adjust? Will we make friends? Will the distance between ourselves and our family be a negative impact on the children - on us? Will we be able to get as much out of the two Traditional Masses being offered in Maine as we do in our active parish here in NJ? And then reality hits us and we say, "How can we afford to continue here in NJ in this economy raising a family of eight?" And so we go back and forth; at times believing we have made a concrete yes or no only to revisit the thought a month or two later.
God will lead us in this season of life. Ironically I prayed two novenas to St. Theresa of the Little Flower. While I am not one for asking Our Good Lord for a sign, I did in this case because it is just too big a decision to go on instinct. My first novena was back in June. Specifically I asked her for yellow flowers if it is Our Lord's will and if He would bless such a move and take care of our children's souls and red for us to stay put. On the ninth and final day of the novena I received my red flower. Though saddened because my heart yearns for points further north, I accepted my answer and prayed that our Lord would settle our restless hearts. About a month ago when the yearning began anew, stronger than ever, I started another novena begging St. Theresa to understand my "second request" and after two weeks my husband came home with a bouquet of yellow flowers, unaware of my current novena I was making. What am I to make of these seemingly conflicting answers? Perhaps, after some reflection, that Our Lord would bless us in either decision. I feel at peace with that answer, especially since Our Lord has shown me other smaller signs that detaching ourselves from our current way of life would be a blessing in and of itself.
And so it appears we move closer and closer to a decision to go north, follow our hearts and open ourselves to what other possibilities life might have to offer.
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