Contentment

How can this picture not evoke some contented emotion in the person who views it? I can stare at it all day. I have never seen such colors so vibrant - like they are popping out in all their brilliance. This, of course, was taken when the sun was setting over Linekin Bay in quiet East Boothbay Harbor, Maine. The sunsets are absolutely incredible (see below, as I have posted some of the magnificent sunsets from our trip)! Although I do not read horoscopes, as the Church forbids it, I do know we all are born under certain astrological signs according to the way the sky and stars have alined on the day of our birth. Even the Wiseman read and followed the skies as they traveled to meet the King of Kings, an infant born in a manager. St. Matthew 2:1-2, "Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Juda, in the days of king Herod, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem. Saying: Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and we are come to adore him.
I was born under the sign of Scorpio; born October 23, 1968 - exactly one month to the day that one of my favorite Saints died, St. Padre Pio (September 23, 1968). I missed one month being alive at the same time he graced the earth. Getting back to our astrological signs: Scorpio:
Scorpios are fiercely independent. They are able to accomplish anything they put their mind to and they won't give up. They are perfectly suited to being on their own. They are not social butterflies like some other zodiac signs and some actually prefer to live on their own that way there is never any issue of who controls what at home, they like to be in control. Scorpios are extremely ambitious, persistent and determined which is shown through a power hungry, controlling attitude. Not in a stubborn sense however, because a Scorpio will work for what they want and control will justified reasons. This is obvious to any onlooker. A Scorpio never gives up, they are so determined to reach their goal. The key to this success is their flexibility. They are able to re-survey a situation and take a different approach if necessary. This makes them very adaptable and versatile.
Now given this description - I have to say it is spot on and extremely accurate. This is just the temperament of my astrological sign. Of the four personality temperaments I fall under - and this will come as NO surprise - Choleric/Melancholy mix.
{a Choleric} He sees only one road, the one he in his impetuosity has taken without sufficient consideration, and he does not notice that by another road he could reach his goal more easily. If great obstacles meet him he, because of his pride, can hardly make up his mind to turn back, but instead he continues with great obstinacy on the original course. He dashes his head against the wall rather than take notice of the door which is right near and wide open. By this imprudence the choleric wastes a great deal of his energy which could be used to better advantage, and he disgusts his friends, so that finally he stands almost alone and is disliked by most people. He deprives himself of his best successes, even though he will not admit that he himself is the main cause of his failures. He shows the same imprudence in selecting the means for the pursuit of perfection, so that in spite of great efforts he does not acquire it. The choleric can safeguard himself from this danger only by willing and humble submission to a spiritual director.
I have been trying to seek true contentment in my heart lately. The housing market is in the tank, with no immediate relief in sight. Most folks owe more on their homes than it is actually worth at this moment. Jobs are scarce. Oil prices keep rising, food costs are rising. It's all a very dreary outlook. I have this dream and I have this goal and my heart doesn't feel settled and probably will not feel settled until that goal is reached. My soul doesn't belong here. My soul connects with the beauty of the above (and below) sunsets, with the sea - the ebb and flow of the tides. I feel trapped in a foreign land right now, even though this is the place of my birth. I know there is beauty to be had if I look close enough and I pray it will be enough for me.
Each day my prayer has been, "Lord help me to be content with what You have given me." He has, indeed, blessed us greatly. This is not to say we aren't struggling like everyone else, but we have a home, food in our stomachs each day, land and health; but yet....my soul still goes to that place where the colors are alive and real, like something from a painting. Stuffing frustrations down deep takes much energy and that is what I have to do...for now. I long for a quieter, peaceful, simpler way of life. Do I need to go to it or does it come to me? It's a constant daily battle. Much of my youth was spent witnessing volatile situations so escapism is naturally part of my makeup, but I feel other personality characteristics play a large part in my searching for true peace. I don't think I will ever figure myself out, though I have a large chunk of it processed so far. I suppose with so many years of strife and upheaval it is only natural as one approaches the middle portion of their life to say, "This is what I want. This is what I need." I pray what I want and what I need is God's wants and needs for me.

Ebb and Flow

What exactly ebbs and flows? The tides....life. I am learning bitter and I hope at some point - sweet - life lessons as the months go by. When I look at my life today - this dreary winter slushy day, and compare it with what it was even a year ago it is practically unrecognizable, well with the exception of the laundry piles in the basement. C.S. Lewis said this, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." I am a big believer in having a dream and having goals that fit your life and bring you joy and to pursue those goals. I was also a big believer that you can accomplish any goal if you put your heart, mind and soul into accomplishing it. I was always very independent from day one. If I wanted to do something, well, I just did it - I accomplished it no matter what I was told. I was an accomplished gymnast at an early age. One of my earliest memories occurred in the high school gym of our hometown in Audubon, New Jersey. My mother sent me to some one-week camp during the summer. The camp had a gymnastics component to it and I remember distinctly - like it was yesterday - being at camp and having this girl - she was probably in her late teens, working her summer job - spotting me on the balance beam. I did a back walkover on the balance beam. I was probably 6 years old at the time. I will never forget her words to me: "Someday I will see you in the Olympics." I think it was the first time anyone had given me such high praise as that. I was just doing what I knew how to do and she saw something in me that had potential. So I left that day knowing that someday I would be in the Olympics. There wasn't any question, until one day when I was about 11 or so and made the "team" at the gym. The team was a traveling competitive team bringing me closer to my 6-year-old set goal. Perhaps it was fate or just the times or circumstances, but I was pulled from gymnastics by my mother for good. I was told on the ride home from practice that with four kids in the house they just couldn't afford to keep me in gymnastics at that level. I don't remember being upset. I was just numb. I stuffed all my dreams and hopes deep down - out of reach - so that I wouldn't feel the intense hurt it caused to know I wouldn't "make it."

Years went by and I took up other sports like diving at our local summer swim club. I was a natural with my background as a gymnast. Again I had a dream that I could accomplish much as a diver - a scholarship to college perhaps? My coach pulled me aside after my second year diving in the summer league and asked me to continue training through the fall and winter, but this would entail travel about 35 minutes from home two to three times per week. Again, this was a no-go.

As I left home and went out on my own I could make whatever my goals were happen. I never remember not meeting a goal I had set for myself. I was determined to go to school in New York City. Bright lights, big city. I wanted that. My mother, however, did not, but in the end I found a way to get there. I was single, young and found my own apartment in Queens, NY and began attending St. John's University in the fall of 1988. I still cannot believe the guts it took for a 19-year old to travel to New York City alone, not knowing a soul, and make a life. I was not afraid. I don't ever remember being afraid. I just knew if it was my goal it would happen and therefore it did. I worked in the athletic department of the University while studying Philosophy at the University. I lived in a basement "studio" apartment...if you could call it that. I lived with ethnic Indians. I still cannot smell curry to this day without remembering my times in Queens. Where am I going with all of this? I realize that life is dreams realized and dreams unfulfilled.

I have a dream to live in Maine. It's not a crazy, wild fantasy and in fact a dream shared by many folks - single, married, families. I talk to them all. We go there and something gets into our soul that doesn't leave. I have felt this since my first trip in 1997 and have been trying to think of a way to get up there ever since. We were close....closer than we have ever been as of late. I say 'we' because my husband was finally on board with the idea, but alas, it does not seem to be in the cards for us...for me. Perhaps Maine is just my dream. I am not certain it is the rest of the family's dream. My husband has many ties here in NJ; his mom and dad, a brother with whom he is close with, an Aunt and Pop-Pop and so on. He has a good and stable job, something to be thankful for in this horrible economy. Stability is golden in this horrible economy. I can see where moving 500 miles north may not be "his" dream. All my children know is New Jersey. They have roots, routines and lives here. While children are resilient - a move as big as what I was proposing may have far-reaching consequences. I know of which I speak being a child who was moved from school to school to school as a kid. I never stayed in one school for any length of time. I went to public school, Catholic school and Christian school. I would stay one to two years at a time and my parents would pull us out for "something better" which had us siblings scrambling to make new friends and "fit in" once again during our volatile youth years. Switching schools every couple of years was a challenge and not one I would wish on any of my own children. Thankfully, homeschooling has prevented that from ever being a remote possibility.

The reality of the economy under Mr. Barack Hussein Obama and our own personal choices for our budget have rendered us - well stuck. What other word is there? Most homeowners find themselves "under water" at this time. Under water is a term that means homeowners owe more on their homes than what their home is worth. We don't live in a McMansion. We live on a farm in a "raised ranch" which is really just a ranch home with three small bedrooms and a finished basement. It was a finished basement until the flood last year, which destroyed much of the "finishment" of the basement. We - the six children and I and my husband, occupy 1129 square feet at the moment. I honestly do not want to complain, but I would - in my dreams - like to have more than 2500 square feet of living space for this number of people occupying one home.

I took on a full time transcription job with the hopes of helping this family of eight pull ourselves above water to breathe. I have been transcribing medicine since 1998 and am now working on a hospital account. Full time and six kids? Yeah. This too shall pass....I hope.

For now, I will tuck my dreams of Maine inside that place where I put my dreams of being an Olympic hopeful - way down deep where it won't affect me for now, because right now it's about getting through each day, being able to pay the bills and trying to live God's will, not my own - a task, which is not easy for this headstrong Irish gal.