I was just telling a friend of mine who lives in North Carolina about how I have recently been experiencing God's hand in many areas of my life lately.
Our (well, MY) desire to move to the Pine Tree State has been in my soul since the moment I crossed the state's border 13 years ago on a trip to Bar Harbor with my husband. We were "roughing it" and going to camp for the week. This is a really funny story that I will save for another time. We saw so many truly beautiful sites and what struck me the most was the clean, clear air; the deep blue skies and the rustic, almost forbidden rocky coastline. Then there was the lobster. Oh the fresh lobster from the Trenton Bridge Lobster pound which we took back to our tent and "grilled" over an open campfire and dunked in warm melted butter. My taste buds practically jumped out of my mouth saying to me, "Where have you been hiding us all these years?" I think there are just some places that get into your soul and never leave. It's different for different people; some people it just never happens to as they are just contented to stay put and live out there lives in the every day of it all. I have never been one of those people, try as I may to conform, my spirit has always been, well pioneering if that is the right word.
I only ever remember moving three times as a child. One from a small row home in a suburb of New Jersey where Fourth of July parades are a huge event and kids trick-or-treating goes on for hours and hours; a place where everyone knows everyone and if you are ever in need all you need to do is walk next door (or shout from your open window!). We moved from our row home to a single family home on the other side of the same town. Life was good. Childhood was good. We moved once more when I was about 12 to a much more rural setting. A culture shock indeed. Instead of walking to the grocery store or the corner store for lunch meat now we had to pile in the car and drive almost a half hour to grocery shop. Three moves in my "formidable years". Though I did, however, switch schools in almost every grade. I counted once and came up with 7 different schools from Kindergarden to my senior year. Sometimes we were pulled out at the end of the year, sometimes it was mid-year; each time it required a skill for making new friends quickly and fitting in became an art in and of itself. Perhaps that is why I cherish faithful, loyal friends in my adult years.
From then - after graduation and the death of my father - I moved 19 times in five years. I lived in many different states including New York, Delaware, North Carolina (shutter), New Jersey and Ohio. It never occurred to me that a move is a major deal. I just desired to go and I did. Of course I wasn't married at the time nor did I have children to tow along. I was very adventurous. I traveled to many places like Canada, Mexico, the Pocono Mountains, the Keys in Florida, Seattle, Chicago, Columbus Ohio, Washington DC, Baltimore, Blue Ridge Mountains in West Virginia, Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, Lake Placid NY, Massachusetts, Myrtle Beach SC; I could probably go on, but the point is none of these places ever really got into my soul the way that Maine has rooted itself in my heart.
So now that I am married with a family and well, roots here in NJ, the decision to follow that adventurous spirit is much more difficult because it affects more than just my life. It took years of discerning and dreaming and praying to figure out if a move would make a better way of life than what we have here. Adventurous spirit aside, it's difficult to make a living here in NJ.
A long time ago I began to pray a certain prayer to Our Lord. This was VERY difficult for me because it was asking Our Lord to take away my will and desire to move. I said, "If this is not your will for us then please take away this desire and let me just have peace of soul right here." Simple enough request right? I don't see any reason why Our Lord wouldn't honor that request from one of his children. Of course I had St. Philomena and St. Padre Pio on my side as well. I was willing to let go of my dream and my own will for God's will in my life and the life of my family. I prayed for probably two years. It never went away and in fact grew stronger.
So when my husband, who was very much against a move (he just doesn't like to move. Period.) finally said he wanted to do this move as well, it was like a small answer to prayer. So over the past six months or so we have been slowly coming to the idea that yes, we were indeed going to go and actually set a time frame, the next problem, which isn't really a problem per se, is the friends and relationships and our wonderful Traditional parish. It killed me every time we would go to Mass and I would see my children play with the children they have all grown up with - that sense of nostalgia just overtook me to the point where I would question weekly whether we were making the right choice. So I started praying that the Lord would begin to help me detach from the things that would inhibit our decision to move forward with the move. I wanted to detach in a way; I needed to detach, but I could not by my own will do so for this is my family, these are my friends and this is my place of worship; this is my whole world. But God in His providence also took care of that, though I cannot say it feels good at this moment, but I know He is answering my specific prayer.
Over the past several months I have watched many of those people with whom I had been extremely close slip further away from me, many times leaving me scratching my head as to why? What had I done? I saw different circles forming and I was finding myself outside those circles and again I couldn't understand why (see my previous post on friendships). I began to think maybe I was just being too "Type-A" and it was driving people away from me. I am not sure why I didn't put two and two together sooner, but I suddenly realized this is God's way of detaching me. He knows me. He knows how important it is for me to feel close to my friends and this was His work. I now almost feel like a visitor amongst my former close circle, just watching from the outside. I cannot say it is like this with everyone because I still feel close to a few, but I am definitely not in the center of the "hub of activity" if that makes sense.
God is good, though, because when He begins to close doors He will also open other opportunities to fill the needs of the ones He loves. At the same time the detachment started I was suddenly being led to many homeschoolers in Maine through many different avenues. I met a wonderful friend through a Maine forum and she and I have been corresponding now for five months or so. It's neat to uphold each other in prayer and give encouragement to each other because we are working toward the same goal. I also was introduced to the nicest woman who also has six children through a friend I have here in NJ. She, in turn, is going to introduce me to another family who attends the Traditional Mass in Maine. I have joined a homeschooling loop up there and have spoken with some wonderful women who truly are on fire with their faith. I marvel at their faith because I have been so inundated with the Traditional Church and the no-so-glorious-light that is shown on those who attend the Novus Ordo from some Traditional Catholics, and I see these women who attend the Ordinary Form of the Rite or the Novus Ordo (wrote another post on the Novus Ordo recently that stemmed from my reflections on these women). I keep thinking of the musical, The Sound of Music when Maria tells Mother Superior, "when God closes a window He always opens a door."
At any rate, I have complete trust that if and when we do this move we will be blessed. God will not abandon us or our children because we choose a different way of life. It's uncomfortable to let go and let God; especially uncomfortable for those who tend towards controlling the events that happen around them, ie., me.
To end, I am thankful for a wonderful husband who is willing to give up his own comfort zone; who is willing to leave his own family (though we are hoping our mother-in-law will eventually join us up there permanently) and all he has EVER known to go to a territory completely foreign to him, with the exception of vacations each year; all for love of his wife and hopefully a better life for our children. I am blessed indeed by him. I wonder if he knows how much I am thankful for him?
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