What words can do
It really is very amazing what a few words of encouragement can do for a person. About once a week I have my half hour of insanity, which I believe my husband is steadily starting to anticipate, when I flip out and tell him that I am coming home. I hit a wall each week and it's not like it's at the end of the week or on a particular day, it's just when the moment hits. I think being here I am internalizing all the stress of what is going on both with my own health and that at home. In the end all it really takes are kind words of encouragement to get me through to the next week when I will likely go off on another tangent My husband usually offers these words to me, reminding me of the importance of being in a hospital setting in case things go bad. Often I will also get a "scolding" from my sister-in-law Shelby and she probably doesn't know how grateful I am for her strict words and dose of reality. She is no stranger to the world of hospitals as she spent nearly a year with her son Clayton over at Children's Hospital going through devastating seizures on a constant basis. I know she knows exactly what she is talking about and heed her warnings that I know she gives me out of love. She is probably the strongest woman I know. My best friend Kelly also provides me with a soft, but clear reasons for staying put. Both she and my sister-in-law and watch the children once a week so Kevin can go into the office to get work done. Shelby, my sister-in-law has 5 children and Kelly has four. I often am amazed at their generosity in taking into their homes 5 additional children for an entire day. Then there is my sister who has also volunteered her time coming over and cleaning and ironing, which I KNOW she hates! She travels an hour and 15 minutes north to get to my house. My brother Joe has come to our rescue on more than one occasion stopping in after work to watch the children during the "witching hour." God bless him. He was able to experience his first diaper change by himself. You go Joe! My personal heroes. May God grant them all speial favors and blessings upon them.
Now...
I had a long consult today with my OB. She waiting on a call back from my prior OB before she would set a surgery date. Apparently, through the course of her conversation with my prior OB she was told that I had actually ruptured my uterus. My current OB was confused as to the terminology used in the OP report that stated a "partial dehiscence" was seen. From what my OB was told, the only thing holding my little Nicholas in the uterus was the outer membrane of the amniotic sac. I was blown away.
At this point she is pushing for a delivery at 35 weeks to totaly avoid the chance of me going into labor. I am hoping for February 11th, the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes. My OB is hoping for the 12th. I think Our Lady will intercede and get me the 11th :) In that case I am looking at 14 days. Really not a long time in the grand scheme of things.
I have been particularly blessed with a truly wonderful nurse. She is a devout, practicing Catholic and we talk for a long time about all things Catholic. She has promised to bring me in Padre Pio blessed oil as she has a strong devotion to Padre Pio. I have asked her in the event of an emergency to please baptize my baby and she said she felt very honored. How good God is to send me such a wonderful nurse?
At this point she is pushing for a delivery at 35 weeks to totaly avoid the chance of me going into labor. I am hoping for February 11th, the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes. My OB is hoping for the 12th. I think Our Lady will intercede and get me the 11th :) In that case I am looking at 14 days. Really not a long time in the grand scheme of things.
I have been particularly blessed with a truly wonderful nurse. She is a devout, practicing Catholic and we talk for a long time about all things Catholic. She has promised to bring me in Padre Pio blessed oil as she has a strong devotion to Padre Pio. I have asked her in the event of an emergency to please baptize my baby and she said she felt very honored. How good God is to send me such a wonderful nurse?
THEN...
By the end of April and beginning of May 2007 we found ourselves pregnant yet again. We must not be trying hard enough with NFP! All went well and then I started to spot. This is not unusual for me though. I have spotted with other pregnancies. But, I went in for a check anyway. They took me in for an ultrasound and I was blindsided by what I saw on the screen. The tech didn't need to say anything. I could see for myself that there was an empty sac in there. I asked him, "There's no baby in there is there?" He was pretty serious and told me there didn't look like there was. He brought the doctor in who confirmed this. They diagnosed it as a "blighted ovum." Somewhere along the line the baby just didn't develop leaving just the void of the amniotic sac.
I cannot explain the void in leaving the office. It was as if I was pregnant with no baby inside. I cried when I got to the car. I came home and of course started researching blighted ovums. There were sites where mothers had testified to being misdiagnosed as a blighted ovum only to have a baby "show up" at 10 weeks or so. I knew deep down that there was no baby. It was just my gut feeling. Sure enough on Mother's Day 2007 I started to bleed. I did opt for a natural miscarriage as I was hoping to at least deliver the sac and have something tangible to bury and not know that my baby, even though he was perhaps just some cells in the sac wouldn't be sucked into a vacume and gone forever. I had read about women feeling a sense of closure when they delivered or miscaried naturally.
I was about 8.5 weeks when it all started. Little did I know what a long road I was in for. I bled all summer long. By August I went to my OB and said I was so tired of bleeding and when would I pass the sac? She kept encouraging me to have a D&C and that there was probably "retained products of conception." I always hated that term.
By September I was losing hope on a natural miscarriage, but just as I was about to schedule a D&C, I started to really bleed heavily. I spent about three hours in the bathroom going through what felt like labor. I will spare you all the obnoxious details and tell you the amazing part about that night of torture. After about two hours or so I passed a large portion of the "contents." I carefully examined this tiny sac that I held in my hands. What I found was astounding. There was a tiny baby inside. I could clearly make out a tiny little spine. I cried like a baby for a long time and then called my husband in. I cannot recall if he could make out the spine or not.
Just the week before I had gone to a Hallmark store in search of a little box to bury the baby in. I came across a beautiful porcelain box with an outside picture of a mother holding a child in her arms. I thought this would be good. So after the delivery I gently placed the sac and baby in my special box. We named the baby Anthony. The next morning with all the kids around we dug a hole underneath a weeping cherry tree out front. I thought this was an appropriate place to bury him. The tree was visible from the dining room table and had a bird feeder where tons of birds came to feed. The weeping cherry always blooms bright pink each year. We placed flowers over the tiny grave and I remember Kevin saying some nice words and a prayer.
I never stopped bleeding. A week following the acutally miscarriage I called the OB again and told her I was still bleeding. I had been bleeding sine May and here it was September! She scheduled me for a D&E that week. The procedure was uncomplicated and went smoothly. I was healed by the end of September that year.
I still gaze on the little area outside under the weeping cherry and think about my son that was never born. I hope to take comfort in the fact that I did baptize the little sac and I pray he is in the presence of Our Lord, or at least in a state of eternal happiness.
God has lessons for all of us and there was some reason for what happened and we just have to trust that God knows what is best for our souls, even if we don't understand why at the time.
By the end of April and beginning of May 2007 we found ourselves pregnant yet again. We must not be trying hard enough with NFP! All went well and then I started to spot. This is not unusual for me though. I have spotted with other pregnancies. But, I went in for a check anyway. They took me in for an ultrasound and I was blindsided by what I saw on the screen. The tech didn't need to say anything. I could see for myself that there was an empty sac in there. I asked him, "There's no baby in there is there?" He was pretty serious and told me there didn't look like there was. He brought the doctor in who confirmed this. They diagnosed it as a "blighted ovum." Somewhere along the line the baby just didn't develop leaving just the void of the amniotic sac.
I cannot explain the void in leaving the office. It was as if I was pregnant with no baby inside. I cried when I got to the car. I came home and of course started researching blighted ovums. There were sites where mothers had testified to being misdiagnosed as a blighted ovum only to have a baby "show up" at 10 weeks or so. I knew deep down that there was no baby. It was just my gut feeling. Sure enough on Mother's Day 2007 I started to bleed. I did opt for a natural miscarriage as I was hoping to at least deliver the sac and have something tangible to bury and not know that my baby, even though he was perhaps just some cells in the sac wouldn't be sucked into a vacume and gone forever. I had read about women feeling a sense of closure when they delivered or miscaried naturally.
I was about 8.5 weeks when it all started. Little did I know what a long road I was in for. I bled all summer long. By August I went to my OB and said I was so tired of bleeding and when would I pass the sac? She kept encouraging me to have a D&C and that there was probably "retained products of conception." I always hated that term.
By September I was losing hope on a natural miscarriage, but just as I was about to schedule a D&C, I started to really bleed heavily. I spent about three hours in the bathroom going through what felt like labor. I will spare you all the obnoxious details and tell you the amazing part about that night of torture. After about two hours or so I passed a large portion of the "contents." I carefully examined this tiny sac that I held in my hands. What I found was astounding. There was a tiny baby inside. I could clearly make out a tiny little spine. I cried like a baby for a long time and then called my husband in. I cannot recall if he could make out the spine or not.
Just the week before I had gone to a Hallmark store in search of a little box to bury the baby in. I came across a beautiful porcelain box with an outside picture of a mother holding a child in her arms. I thought this would be good. So after the delivery I gently placed the sac and baby in my special box. We named the baby Anthony. The next morning with all the kids around we dug a hole underneath a weeping cherry tree out front. I thought this was an appropriate place to bury him. The tree was visible from the dining room table and had a bird feeder where tons of birds came to feed. The weeping cherry always blooms bright pink each year. We placed flowers over the tiny grave and I remember Kevin saying some nice words and a prayer.
I never stopped bleeding. A week following the acutally miscarriage I called the OB again and told her I was still bleeding. I had been bleeding sine May and here it was September! She scheduled me for a D&E that week. The procedure was uncomplicated and went smoothly. I was healed by the end of September that year.
I still gaze on the little area outside under the weeping cherry and think about my son that was never born. I hope to take comfort in the fact that I did baptize the little sac and I pray he is in the presence of Our Lord, or at least in a state of eternal happiness.
God has lessons for all of us and there was some reason for what happened and we just have to trust that God knows what is best for our souls, even if we don't understand why at the time.
2 comments:
I didn't remember about you finding the baby, how awful to have gone through all that! :( But what a wonderful thing you did! I wish I had known to do that, the first and third times, at least. The second time I did remember to ask, and had the baby baptized by a Catholic nurse.
I'm so glad that you got to bury your baby. One of the hardest things about my d&e (other than it's terrible similarities to abortion) was not being able to see my baby. But it was for the best, because after the procedure, he wasn't whole and I don't think I could have bore that burden. I know that he was whole (other than having already died) from the brief time I saw him on the sonogram.
I decided to have the d&e because I live 45 miles from the hospital and my dh works evenings. I was afraid of hemorrhaging with my children here and not being able to get to the hospital. It's honestly one of the hardest things I've ever been through and that's saying a lot.
But I do know that everything happens for a reason and this has strengthened my testimony of a Divine and Benevolent God who loves us so very much. :)
Sandra
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