Throwing on the brakes
As early as three months ago I was running after the kids, working as a transcriptionist part time and coaching field hockey! I used to wonder what it was like to take a few hours out of my day and just sleep and relax in silence with a good book. What a stark contrast to those hectic weeks from where I sit at the present moment. Part of me thinks I should relax and just enjoy this down time now because it most likely will not happen again for another 20+ years or so. The other part of me is screaming to saddle up my horse and ride her around the paddock or jump on the riding mower and mow the lawn for a couple of hours. No, I still have no desire to fold 18 loads of laundry a day...that I do not miss and gladly leave in the hands of my capable husband.
But, what I am learning through all of this is that I can settle and feel calm. Before this hospital stay I really did not think I could ever experience what calm was. It is in my nature to run and be active and normally an hour a day of peace, which occurred each night before I went to sleep (my reading hour) was enough to send me forth into another day...well, that and a few hundred cups of caffeine would do it.
But, what I am learning through all of this is that I can settle and feel calm. Before this hospital stay I really did not think I could ever experience what calm was. It is in my nature to run and be active and normally an hour a day of peace, which occurred each night before I went to sleep (my reading hour) was enough to send me forth into another day...well, that and a few hundred cups of caffeine would do it.
NOW...
We think we have a date! I was updated by my OB this morning that we tentatively have a date blocked off for the OR; February 12th. I believe her office was waiting on one other phone call to confirm, but that it was moving in that direction. Secretly I have been hoping for February 11th, which is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Lourdes. I think that would be a nice day to be born. I don't think any of my children have a Marian Feast day.
The plan, so they say, will be to take me down on the morning of the 12th at 8 a.m. to Radiology to have the balloon catheters inserted. This should take an hour. After that I get wheeled to the general OR for the surgery. I will be put under general anesthesia and intubated. IF I do not need a hysterectomy, then the surgery will take about an hour. If they get in there and there are problems and a hysterectomy is warranted, then the surgery should be about 3-4 hours.
My hope is that I will be back to my private room that I am in now after recovery and the baby goes to the regular nursery and we can go home in five days. I suppose worst case is the baby goes to the NICU and I go to ICU. I don't anticipate the worst case scenario though.
The plan, so they say, will be to take me down on the morning of the 12th at 8 a.m. to Radiology to have the balloon catheters inserted. This should take an hour. After that I get wheeled to the general OR for the surgery. I will be put under general anesthesia and intubated. IF I do not need a hysterectomy, then the surgery will take about an hour. If they get in there and there are problems and a hysterectomy is warranted, then the surgery should be about 3-4 hours.
My hope is that I will be back to my private room that I am in now after recovery and the baby goes to the regular nursery and we can go home in five days. I suppose worst case is the baby goes to the NICU and I go to ICU. I don't anticipate the worst case scenario though.
THEN...
Eleven months had gone by since the completion of the miscarriage and D&E when we found out we were expecting again. My reaction to the positive pregnancy test has usually been the same for at least the last three; one of disbelief. It's a completely different feeling when you are "trying" to get pregnant and you view the pregnancy test. It's quite a different story when you are "surprised" by a pregnancy test. I don't say this in a negative light, only that it is just different.
When the shock wore off and my hands stopped shaking I told Kevin. I believe his reaction has been the same over the last three pregnancies; he will say something to the effect of, "Are you kidding? You are kidding right?" or "Stop!" It is always followed by a joyful smile though. Kevin is just as open to life as I am and I don't think he has ever put a limit on the amount of children our house would accept. But, with all the complications of the last delivery and then the miscarriage we both felt much apprehension; joyful that we had been blessed by God and cognitive of the fact that God must have a reason for this little soul to be here, but apprehensive still the same.
While Kevin and I felt much joy and our friends at our Parish were overjoyed as well, we knew there would be those people out there who would not be so happy. There are many folks, sometimes even those we love, who do not "agree" with having a large family or with those convictions we, as a family, adhere to strongly. We have been told by many of our friends of horror stories of being humiliated or put down when making the "we're having another baby" statement to those they love. I have pondered the reasons for a negative reaction to the announcement that another baby is on the way and tried to really figure out why others would not be in favor of a little life being born into a loving home. I suppose I will never quite understand and really, it's the reality of life. It's not always roses.
I remember one time about two to three years ago taking one of the little ones to the bathroom during Mass. There is this large statue of St. Philomena, whom I knew nothing about before this pregnancy. At the foot of the statue someone had laid a Holy Card with a small description of who she was. I took the card and put it in my missal and once and again I would look at it. When I found out I was pregnant this time I knew there would be difficulties down the road so I pulled out the Holy Card. I am not sure what exactly was drawing me to this particular Saint as I have recourse to many different Saints. I had this feeling from the very beginning that this baby would be a girl and at about eight weeks I started a perpetual novena to St. Philomena asking her protection and prayers on our behalf. I also promised her her namesake in exchange for her prayers. I hadn't told Kevin that part at the time!
I remember one night at dinner the conversation turned to naming the baby. We still didn't know at the time whether she was a boy or girl so we all tossed around some names. In my heart I knew that if it was confirmed that she was a girl her name would be Philomena Anne and was searching for just the right time to announce this to my husband. I did eventually tell him and it took some time for him to get used to the name because it's not very popular in this day and age. I also bought a couple of books on her life, which both of us read.
At 17 weeks I went in for my ultrasound and yes, it was confirmed she was a girl!
When the shock wore off and my hands stopped shaking I told Kevin. I believe his reaction has been the same over the last three pregnancies; he will say something to the effect of, "Are you kidding? You are kidding right?" or "Stop!" It is always followed by a joyful smile though. Kevin is just as open to life as I am and I don't think he has ever put a limit on the amount of children our house would accept. But, with all the complications of the last delivery and then the miscarriage we both felt much apprehension; joyful that we had been blessed by God and cognitive of the fact that God must have a reason for this little soul to be here, but apprehensive still the same.
While Kevin and I felt much joy and our friends at our Parish were overjoyed as well, we knew there would be those people out there who would not be so happy. There are many folks, sometimes even those we love, who do not "agree" with having a large family or with those convictions we, as a family, adhere to strongly. We have been told by many of our friends of horror stories of being humiliated or put down when making the "we're having another baby" statement to those they love. I have pondered the reasons for a negative reaction to the announcement that another baby is on the way and tried to really figure out why others would not be in favor of a little life being born into a loving home. I suppose I will never quite understand and really, it's the reality of life. It's not always roses.
I remember one time about two to three years ago taking one of the little ones to the bathroom during Mass. There is this large statue of St. Philomena, whom I knew nothing about before this pregnancy. At the foot of the statue someone had laid a Holy Card with a small description of who she was. I took the card and put it in my missal and once and again I would look at it. When I found out I was pregnant this time I knew there would be difficulties down the road so I pulled out the Holy Card. I am not sure what exactly was drawing me to this particular Saint as I have recourse to many different Saints. I had this feeling from the very beginning that this baby would be a girl and at about eight weeks I started a perpetual novena to St. Philomena asking her protection and prayers on our behalf. I also promised her her namesake in exchange for her prayers. I hadn't told Kevin that part at the time!
I remember one night at dinner the conversation turned to naming the baby. We still didn't know at the time whether she was a boy or girl so we all tossed around some names. In my heart I knew that if it was confirmed that she was a girl her name would be Philomena Anne and was searching for just the right time to announce this to my husband. I did eventually tell him and it took some time for him to get used to the name because it's not very popular in this day and age. I also bought a couple of books on her life, which both of us read.
At 17 weeks I went in for my ultrasound and yes, it was confirmed she was a girl!
1 comment:
Kelly:
What a great story!
I think that as mothers we often just know things. I knew that my last baby was going to die prior to birth. I didn't know when. I just knew that he would. That's why we didn't tell very many people - only those closest to us and the people on the multiple c/s list. Neither of our families know that we were pregnant and of course, neither know of our miscarriage. And it's just better that way. My husband's family is a little more supportive but my family thought I should have stopped at three.
But I just couldn't. I knew that God had more in store for me and that He would help me get through whatever it took for me to bring His children here. And He has. It's really a miracle!
I have friends who ask me when I'll stop having children given all of my risks. I always tell them that we'll be done when Heavenly Father releases us from having children. So far, He hasn't. I just feel that I'll know when we are done. I trust Him to tell me.
I'll cross my fingers and offer prayers for February 11th. :)
Sandra
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