Being yourself!

I think this will be a difficult blog to post, but I have been mulling it over for a long time now and whenever I do that, I usually wind up writing it down. In some ways, as I have stated in other posts, this move was a great blessing; a starting over if you will. It's not that I left for the greener grass on the other side, but moving your entire life 300+ miles away IS a starting over and yes, you DO leave the bad AND the good behind. It's no secret that I had many, many struggles before the move to New England. I struggled with the small rancher we lived in. It was a nice home and we had three of the six children in that house, but it never was "home" and I am not sure any other place besides Audubon will ever be "home." I am, however, closer to where my soul connects - Maine. Two hours is far better than eight hours. And then there is the school. My three older children go to a very small Traditional Catholic school here, taught by the good Sisters and Brothers of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I admire greatly the work that they do for our children. I am thankful we live close by and that Our Lord has provided the means for our children to attend. I am equally as thankful for the public school Kindergarten that my two younger boys attend. Even two years' ago I would have SHUDDERED at the very thought of sending ANY of my children to public school; even a half day kindergarten, but it is amazing where life leads you if you only learn to shed some of the fear that binds you to a single mind frame. My two Kindergartners have a wonderful teacher and aide. The school is equally as good. I have no reservations whatsoever in dropping them off each morning and sending them off to class.

I realize now after months of reflection (and by the way - getting AWAY from your given situation that is causing you so much stress REALLY helps clear the air!) I finally came to the conclusion that I was bound by fear! I was afraid of everything! "In time we hate that which we often fear." ~ William Shakespeare. All too often I hear so many in religious circles proclaiming with certainty that their children are so much better off at home; protected from the world and the things OF the world which might corrupt them, but what I have learned is that the world is not such a scary place after all; that what is LIVED OUT at home is what is important; that constant prayer for our children and spouse and extended family is the best bet we have, not to mention trying to live a good example. I may not be perfect - far from it as a matter of fact, but I get up each day and try. I and my husband do what we think is best and so far, so good. Once a person lets go of the fear that keeps them paralyzed there is a certain freedom that envelopes the soul.

I don't have to prove to anyone, anything. I know my heart. I know my soul. Only God and my patron saints know what I truly long for and strive towards. My outward person is only a glimpse of who I am. I have really, really learned to be myself. I live for what God wants for me and our family - I am not worried about what others need me to be. Others can dictate what they want me to be, want me to wear, what to say, how to live, but I must be true to myself, for I know me better than the average person on the street! God knows me better than I even know myself. I am now comfortable in my own skin. I am comfortable knowing I am trying my best; albeit there are times when I fall short and fail, yes even everyday, but I get up trying again. I do not pretend to know what is best for anyone else, for my mission is what has been entrusted to ME - my family - my mission is to safely guide them through the rough waters (pronounced "wooders") of life. What counts is what is in our soul. No one else can tell me whether there is a "blotch" a "stain" or a "major spillage" on my soul or in my heart except my confessor.

As I stated several times before in my blog, it feels good to be free - truly free from an isolated world that tucks you away from everyone and anything that might "taint" you. Some of you reading this have NO CLUE what I am referring to; others know all too well. I have it set in my very being that I will NOT let others into my world, who have a predetermined idea of what MUST be and what they EXPECT me to be. I have reverence and respect for the "suggestions" of those who are clearly in a place of authority in the hierarchy - but I do not want to pretend to be someone I am not to please others. It's just this resolution that I have made long before moving north. It seems there are people on all sides telling me what I "should" and "should not" do; what "they" think is best for me. I am getting stronger each and every day and while other people can have an "opinion" of what they think I should or should not do - it does not equal what it is I MUST do. Getting back to the inner person is a goal I have for my forties. I won't be swept along by the current. I am determined to swim against it, and there is nothing wrong under the sun about that.

I am learning to let go and let God. I am striving to accomplish great things - things that appear small in the eyes of others, but big to me. I started my own transcription company last year and with the move I kind of put it on the back burner. Now I have resurrected it and am blasting the world of medicine with my brochures. I don't long to be the richest; to have the biggest house or the best clothes, heck my mother-in-law and I went to the Salvation Army Thrift Shop the other day. I got a ton of stuff and you know what? I was proud of my armful O'stuff that I brought home! I would LOVE to feel the blanket of accomplishment around me and know that "I" made it with the help of some heavenly helpers ;)

Maybe it's age. I don't know. Maybe it's life experience? We all can only do the best we know how to do with the deck we've been handed. We cannot collapse into an excuse that we had a "rough" childhood or that life dealt us a "bad hand." We must rise above and decide to change the path for our children. I don't want my children to see me cower to the will of others just to make friends. There comes a point in one's life when you don't "need" friends. You "have" friends and those are the folks who stick by you through thick and thin, through the ebbs and flows of life and who understand what is truly inside your soul. Everyone else can get their own pot to piss in.