Adjusting

Sometimes the best way to figure out who you are is to get to that place where you don't have to be anything else.--Unknown

Is this above quote ever true!! Did you ever just feel like starting over? Being anonymous? Not having everyone in your entire "circle" not only knowing every detail of your life, but scrutinizing it as well? I did and I had to really check myself because I have this tendency of "fight or flight" when I get into the trenches and can't seem to pull out of it. I found myself homeschooling five children and caring for a toddler, while working as much as I could to help out with the growing bills and cost of living and quite frankly, an economy that has gone down the toilet. Overwhelmed is an understatement. Our yearly vacations to Maine was a welcomed escape and I would spend my seven days dreaming of an easier way to live life, a simpler way; one that would not have me under a microscope amongst those who called me friend. Basically, I wanted to escape - escape our small rancher in NJ, escape escalating taxes and smothering summer humidity and a rigid sub-circle of folks for which I found myself lost and suffocated.

I am blessed to have a sensible husband. While I dream of flights of fancy, he tends to ground me to reality. He finally came to see that homeschooling, while it gave our oldest a wonderful start in life was not advantageous for the rest of the children because their mother was overworked and stressed out day in and day out. Many an evening my husband and myself would talk around a fire pit about what to do to help ease the burden. Parochial school was not an option, primarily because of the high tuition costs in our Diocese. Public school was out of the question because of the district for which we lived. There were no other options unless we were willing to relocate. That we did in July.

I think the last six months have been a bit of a blur. I came to Massachusetts on many occasions to look for homes, check out schools and take care of residency issues, all the while it never felt "real" - it never felt like this was really going to happen. Then on July 14th it did. We are now here two full months. These past two months haven't always been easy, given the fact that my husband is still working in NJ and commuting home on weekends (which, beginning this week he will have every other week home telecommuting), and the fact that I and the children had to adjust to a whole other life. I have to say as far as major moves go, this was a fairly easy transisiton and I would know having over 20 moves under my belt at the age of 42! The house is twice the size of our old rancher and two stories so the noise level isn't AS obnoxious as it was. The woods surrounding our home are gorgeous and filled with all new sounds - tree frogs and some unfamiliar sounding birds chirping at the dawn of a new day.

I suppose the biggest and most anticipated change was taking the leap of placing my children in school. My two younger boys are in the local public school, an idea five years ago I wouldn't have EVER even entertained! My three oldest children are attending a small private Traditional Catholic School taught by the good Sisters and Brothers. I was not sure what impact this would have on me or them for that matter, but we have found a wonderful new world; a world which allowed us to start anew. I love the above quote because for the first time in a very long time I feel I can be myself because I don't have to be something else to other people. I touched on this in my thoughts on traditionalism within in the Catholic Church. I was hoping that this move would not be a lateral move in the sense of our church community and worship. So far, and it has only been two months, I have found it to be the complete opposite. I almost can feel a sense of de-programming going on and I am liking the results. It is so freeing being able to be yourself and not have to live up to other's standards whether imposed or covertly imposed. What I would like to say out loud, but probably shouldn't - oh heck, I will anyway, is that I almost feel like a person who has come out of a cult-like world and is seeing life for the first time. I realize it will take a long time to put myself back out there if I ever do, but am content. Contentment is worth its weight in gold. Life isn't going to be rosy and Pollyanna forever. The honeymoon will end, but I feel I have been let loose from chains that have weighed me down and am now free to just enjoy life - on my terms.

It is wonderful rediscovering me - the person I was and the person I hope to be. I used to allow fear to dictate how I lived my life, the people I chose to surround me, the clothes I chose to wear; basically every aspect of how I lived my life. Fear that was directly and indirectly thrust upon me. I feel sad for so many folks who allow fear to dictate their choices. Controlling your life and the life of your children is not freedom. It is, in the broader sense more binding! I am reading a fantastic book right now written by David Peltzer, "As an individual you have the power to choose. You can either work through your anxieties or become a slave to them. ...Somehow we allow the psychological garbage from our lives to rot away our self esteem...day after day after day. To keep ourselves from deteriorating we need to look at our situations for what they were, take some form of action now, and let the past go." Letting go is very difficult because holding on to old disgruntled feelings feels empowering, but really it keeps us from fully enjoying our life.

I think it's okay to be a little gun-shy and to keep folks at arms length for a time while working out old "psychological garbage" and making sure you have fully come to peace with your past.

At any rate, I am getting there. This family is getting there and even though there are still struggles we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.