New Resolutions

How does that Journey song go? "Be good to yourself when...nobody else will." Yes, this is resolution number one and a resolution gravely left undone for far too long. I know as mothers we often tend to ourselves last and can be quite self sacrificing - sometimes to a fault. I know I can see in myself that as my own children are getting older the noise volume has increased tenfold! I am extremely noise sensitive, probably directly related to years of suffering from migraine headaches and having six children under one roof makes for an extremely noisy home.

I am learning to take time out for myself - retreat to my room where my office is located and either blog or read or even fold laundry. I have learned to close doors, thereby making the children have to knock before entering instead of charging into my room uninvited and at full speed ahead. I am learning I don't always have to answer the knock at the door, especially if I just shut the bathroom door. This happens quite frequently at night after tucking everyone in for the millionth time. One or two will inevitably get up and come to my room for one reason or another just to make sure I haven't evaporated or a spaceship hasn't sucked me into eternity leaving them behind. There I am running my hot shower thinking I FINALLY have some peace and quiet and then comes the "knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock." My children have learned that I don't answer with just three knocks {my bad} so they will continuously knock until I answer and/or explode with a, "WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?!?!?!"

Another part of taking care of myself also means learning who to keep in my life and who not to keep in my life. Baggage or the releasing of said baggage. I suppose this resolution is parting of "taking care of myself" but morphs into "kicking to the curb those who are toxic." The latter has taken me a long time to really put into action because letting go is really, really hard. And sometimes we are so enmeshed in other people's lives we do not realize how toxic they are for us. It's like drinking a quarter teaspoon of arsenic every other day. It won't flat out kill you right away; it will slowly kill you over a long period of time. I have learned and am just now brave enough to put into motion that not everyone we love is good for us and not everyone we love we HAVE to keep in our lives out of some sense of responsibility. I used to read this phrase about "surrounding ourselves with positive people and we will become positive ourselves" and kind of turn my nose up at it like it was some kind of flaky saying, but I get it now. I get it because it rings true for just the opposite. Surround yourself with toxic people and watch yourself erode away to nothingness. Even worse for me personally is being around people who hurt my children either directly or indirectly, overtly or covertly.

It is a bit freeing when one makes a decision to stop the generational dysfunction cycle for good and make a difference if even in one's own family unit. Sometimes the sacrifices are great and not understood by others but there is a certain peace and calm knowing that the greater good will be done....for them.

And this is only resolution number one. I guess you can say I have been slowly working on number one for a few months now; anticipating the New Year as really putting it into motion and it feels good, it feels scary, it feels hopeful. I suppose that's what it's all about.