Quotations for motivation!

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. ~Author Unknown

Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes. ~From a billboard advertisement

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

Part of the issue of achievement is to be able to set realistic goals, but that's one of the hardest things to do because you don't always know exactly where you're going, and you shouldn't. ~George Lucas

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. ~Author Unknown

Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. ~Japanese Proverb

When the horse is dead, get off. ~Author Unknown (I like this one a lot!!)

Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals - Aristotle

Interesting to say the least...

It's been an interesting month to say the least. Our whole entire course has been set anew. I am happy and looking towards the goal and the new path that has been set, yet troubled in some ways by the path that had already been laid behind me. I write the following for closure on this hurtful chapter in my life (quite different from "obsessing") and with it a great sense of freedom.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. ~Robert Frost

Recently, I received a hurtful, mean, spiteful email from a former "friend." It made me doubt who I am, what kind of person, friend, Christian I am. No one wants to be in that place. No one wants to be taken down to the level of tears and heartache over who you are.

Yet, I am thankful that I got it because I was able to examine my thought process, my decision making and what I really want out of life; the path I am on etc...While I am not perfect (!) by any stretch of the imagination, the one quality I do possess is loyalty. G. K. Chesterton said, "We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea,and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." Perhaps it's because I am almost 100% Irish with a little tiny German thrown in there; Always remember to forget, the friends that proved untrue. But never forget to remember those that have stuck by you! ~ Irish proverb but I seem to hurt for a moment in time and have a great resolve to move on and forget the misfortunes that have afflicted me. This is a skill not easily mastered though one worth pursuing.

I am thankful at the end of the day for true, loyal friends - those who I know in person; some more than 30 years and going strong, those with whom I have been friends with for more than 10 years through the internet and my family for knowing my worth and validating that worth to me. Somebody close to me said, "Walk with your head held high and forget those who think they know what they are talking about. Deep down they are the ones who are truly hurting." There is a great deal of truth in that statement.

My profile for this blog reveals that this blog was started as my sanity in an insane situation - being hospitalized with my last child for two months and I say it is still my sanity. We live in a VERY politically correct world where most people are afraid to say what they are really feeling and even more afraid to stand up for themselves, defend their own decisions and walk proudly with their head held high. I made some mistakes, yes and have even taken the last week to seek out and make ammends to those with whom I have hurt, isolated or made to feel like an outsider. I, too, was once caught up in the high and mighty mentality, though I would not admit it at the time; it was more important to fit in than be put out. How very blind I was.

Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites; because you go round about the sea and the land to make one proselyte; and when he is made, you make him the child of hell twofold more than yourselves. St. Matthew 23:15

I was told I needed to seek counseling, "spiritual or otherwise." Judged by a person who has known me for a little time and understands me even less. The only consolation I can think of is that someday this person, and those with whom she surrounds herself will mature and see the world and those around them as what they are, imperfect creatures, created in God's image, striving to do their best; fallen in nature, but always picking themselves up and carrying on. It is still our christian duty to pray for those who have hurt you and to forgive. Everyone is carrying a weight that no one else will truly appreciate lest they walk a mile in that person's shoes. The hardest thing to do is pray for those who have offended you or hurt you, but prayer mends the heart and forgiveness is the only true path to spiritual growth.

I am counting down the days until August with great anticipation; not to escpae, but to start anew and do what God has planned for us. We prayed for him to open the doors and now He has. We need to grasp hold of His hand and have Him lead us and only seek to do His holy will, else nothing else makes sense.

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." ~ Helen Keller

Unexpected New Paths

Anyone who has been following this blog...(does anyone actually follow this blog?) knows that for a few YEARS my heart has been in Maine. Maine was my goal and all I thought about; something I worked towards and dreamed about.

Now, the Lord, in His wisdom happened to give me a wonderful and insightful husband, slow to impulsive activities (thankfully) and careful and deliberate in thought and judgment. I cannot say he did not want to move to Maine for I believe out of sheer love for me he would have. His argument to me over the past few years has been, "If we are going to uproot the family and move far away, why not move where there is a Traditional Catholic school in case of homeschool burnout?" Again, in his wisdom he knew how much I was struggling with homeschooling, how much my desire to homeschool has waned with every new child born. In addition, trying to make ends meet in this horrendous economy, living in one of the highest taxed states in the nation made it also very impossible to homeschool AND work. I work as a medical transcriptionist and have since 1998. Burnout? Yes. Probably three years ago, but I hung on because as a family we felt there was no option where we live now.

My wonderful husband kept suggesting Still River, MA where there is a Traditional Catholic School and Parish and where we have dear friends as well. I bucked that suggestion for a long time. I wanted Maine and my stubborn Irish self wanted what I wanted.

So for the past two years I have been saying a perpetual novena to St. Philomena and to St. Anne for answers; for doors to open if it be God's will. Nothing happened. And then I got a full time transcription job. This was good timing because the children were on winter break (they took a winter break instead of a summer one) so I could work and not have to school. A few weeks ago my daughter was somewhat in a bad mood and I asked what was wrong and she said, "Well school starts soon." I had a mini-panic attack about 20 minutes later as I realized the monumental task that working full time and homeschooling four children would be.

I can only say it was like my eyes were opened and instantly I picked up the phone and called the good Sisters at the Immaculate Heart of Mary School. I inquired whether there were any openings for a ninth grader and two fourth graders. I was told someone would get back to me. I waited all weekend and all through Monday. As each hour passed I felt more and more anxious. Sister finally called and said yes, there were openings in both 8th grade and 9th grade, but none in 4th, however, there were some in 3rd. Almost immediately after I hung up from our conversation I felt a HUGE burden lifted...like this could really happen. She was to send an application and then schedule an interview and testing for the children.

At the same time I called our realtor and asked about our home worth. Surprisingly, our home is worth more than we thought. More good news.

I got a call yesterday from Sister asking us to come up NEXT MONTH for the interview and testing and to have the children sit in on classes for the day. To say that Our Lord has opened the doors for us and shown us His will *not mine* is to say the least - obvious!

So, come August first we are headed up to Massachusetts to start a new life. My lifelong homeschooled children will be in the care of the good nuns of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart as well as the brothers.

I just find it interesting where God leads you in life. One might have a specific plan or goal, but God might have something totally different planned for you. Patience is not really a virtue for me, but I did learn quite a bit of patience waiting on God's response over the past two years.

We'll leave here missing our family - my sister and brothers and sister-in-law and brother-in-law and our nieces and nephews; our good friends the Rooneys as well. But as God had it in His plans - He has been detaching me from things and people not good for my soul or temperament (!) over the last year anyway, thus making it very easy to leave and start anew. Thankfully we go to a place where we have one of our closest friend's, the Meiers' who live up in Massachusetts and have made this journey six years ahead of us. We hope to gain much insight from their experience.

I will continue to trust God will let the pieces fall into place. Moving on seems to be easier than I thought it would be....

Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True

By Helen Steiner Rice

Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember,
The hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart
Start upward
And climb 'til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is ever too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it,
And you have the faith to believe.
For faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill,
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.
For faith is a mover of mountains,
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So, start out today with faith in your heart,
And climb 'til your dream comes true!

Contentment

How can this picture not evoke some contented emotion in the person who views it? I can stare at it all day. I have never seen such colors so vibrant - like they are popping out in all their brilliance. This, of course, was taken when the sun was setting over Linekin Bay in quiet East Boothbay Harbor, Maine. The sunsets are absolutely incredible (see below, as I have posted some of the magnificent sunsets from our trip)! Although I do not read horoscopes, as the Church forbids it, I do know we all are born under certain astrological signs according to the way the sky and stars have alined on the day of our birth. Even the Wiseman read and followed the skies as they traveled to meet the King of Kings, an infant born in a manager. St. Matthew 2:1-2, "Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Juda, in the days of king Herod, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem. Saying: Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and we are come to adore him.
I was born under the sign of Scorpio; born October 23, 1968 - exactly one month to the day that one of my favorite Saints died, St. Padre Pio (September 23, 1968). I missed one month being alive at the same time he graced the earth. Getting back to our astrological signs: Scorpio:
Scorpios are fiercely independent. They are able to accomplish anything they put their mind to and they won't give up. They are perfectly suited to being on their own. They are not social butterflies like some other zodiac signs and some actually prefer to live on their own that way there is never any issue of who controls what at home, they like to be in control. Scorpios are extremely ambitious, persistent and determined which is shown through a power hungry, controlling attitude. Not in a stubborn sense however, because a Scorpio will work for what they want and control will justified reasons. This is obvious to any onlooker. A Scorpio never gives up, they are so determined to reach their goal. The key to this success is their flexibility. They are able to re-survey a situation and take a different approach if necessary. This makes them very adaptable and versatile.
Now given this description - I have to say it is spot on and extremely accurate. This is just the temperament of my astrological sign. Of the four personality temperaments I fall under - and this will come as NO surprise - Choleric/Melancholy mix.
{a Choleric} He sees only one road, the one he in his impetuosity has taken without sufficient consideration, and he does not notice that by another road he could reach his goal more easily. If great obstacles meet him he, because of his pride, can hardly make up his mind to turn back, but instead he continues with great obstinacy on the original course. He dashes his head against the wall rather than take notice of the door which is right near and wide open. By this imprudence the choleric wastes a great deal of his energy which could be used to better advantage, and he disgusts his friends, so that finally he stands almost alone and is disliked by most people. He deprives himself of his best successes, even though he will not admit that he himself is the main cause of his failures. He shows the same imprudence in selecting the means for the pursuit of perfection, so that in spite of great efforts he does not acquire it. The choleric can safeguard himself from this danger only by willing and humble submission to a spiritual director.
I have been trying to seek true contentment in my heart lately. The housing market is in the tank, with no immediate relief in sight. Most folks owe more on their homes than it is actually worth at this moment. Jobs are scarce. Oil prices keep rising, food costs are rising. It's all a very dreary outlook. I have this dream and I have this goal and my heart doesn't feel settled and probably will not feel settled until that goal is reached. My soul doesn't belong here. My soul connects with the beauty of the above (and below) sunsets, with the sea - the ebb and flow of the tides. I feel trapped in a foreign land right now, even though this is the place of my birth. I know there is beauty to be had if I look close enough and I pray it will be enough for me.
Each day my prayer has been, "Lord help me to be content with what You have given me." He has, indeed, blessed us greatly. This is not to say we aren't struggling like everyone else, but we have a home, food in our stomachs each day, land and health; but yet....my soul still goes to that place where the colors are alive and real, like something from a painting. Stuffing frustrations down deep takes much energy and that is what I have to do...for now. I long for a quieter, peaceful, simpler way of life. Do I need to go to it or does it come to me? It's a constant daily battle. Much of my youth was spent witnessing volatile situations so escapism is naturally part of my makeup, but I feel other personality characteristics play a large part in my searching for true peace. I don't think I will ever figure myself out, though I have a large chunk of it processed so far. I suppose with so many years of strife and upheaval it is only natural as one approaches the middle portion of their life to say, "This is what I want. This is what I need." I pray what I want and what I need is God's wants and needs for me.

Ebb and Flow

What exactly ebbs and flows? The tides....life. I am learning bitter and I hope at some point - sweet - life lessons as the months go by. When I look at my life today - this dreary winter slushy day, and compare it with what it was even a year ago it is practically unrecognizable, well with the exception of the laundry piles in the basement. C.S. Lewis said this, "You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." I am a big believer in having a dream and having goals that fit your life and bring you joy and to pursue those goals. I was also a big believer that you can accomplish any goal if you put your heart, mind and soul into accomplishing it. I was always very independent from day one. If I wanted to do something, well, I just did it - I accomplished it no matter what I was told. I was an accomplished gymnast at an early age. One of my earliest memories occurred in the high school gym of our hometown in Audubon, New Jersey. My mother sent me to some one-week camp during the summer. The camp had a gymnastics component to it and I remember distinctly - like it was yesterday - being at camp and having this girl - she was probably in her late teens, working her summer job - spotting me on the balance beam. I did a back walkover on the balance beam. I was probably 6 years old at the time. I will never forget her words to me: "Someday I will see you in the Olympics." I think it was the first time anyone had given me such high praise as that. I was just doing what I knew how to do and she saw something in me that had potential. So I left that day knowing that someday I would be in the Olympics. There wasn't any question, until one day when I was about 11 or so and made the "team" at the gym. The team was a traveling competitive team bringing me closer to my 6-year-old set goal. Perhaps it was fate or just the times or circumstances, but I was pulled from gymnastics by my mother for good. I was told on the ride home from practice that with four kids in the house they just couldn't afford to keep me in gymnastics at that level. I don't remember being upset. I was just numb. I stuffed all my dreams and hopes deep down - out of reach - so that I wouldn't feel the intense hurt it caused to know I wouldn't "make it."

Years went by and I took up other sports like diving at our local summer swim club. I was a natural with my background as a gymnast. Again I had a dream that I could accomplish much as a diver - a scholarship to college perhaps? My coach pulled me aside after my second year diving in the summer league and asked me to continue training through the fall and winter, but this would entail travel about 35 minutes from home two to three times per week. Again, this was a no-go.

As I left home and went out on my own I could make whatever my goals were happen. I never remember not meeting a goal I had set for myself. I was determined to go to school in New York City. Bright lights, big city. I wanted that. My mother, however, did not, but in the end I found a way to get there. I was single, young and found my own apartment in Queens, NY and began attending St. John's University in the fall of 1988. I still cannot believe the guts it took for a 19-year old to travel to New York City alone, not knowing a soul, and make a life. I was not afraid. I don't ever remember being afraid. I just knew if it was my goal it would happen and therefore it did. I worked in the athletic department of the University while studying Philosophy at the University. I lived in a basement "studio" apartment...if you could call it that. I lived with ethnic Indians. I still cannot smell curry to this day without remembering my times in Queens. Where am I going with all of this? I realize that life is dreams realized and dreams unfulfilled.

I have a dream to live in Maine. It's not a crazy, wild fantasy and in fact a dream shared by many folks - single, married, families. I talk to them all. We go there and something gets into our soul that doesn't leave. I have felt this since my first trip in 1997 and have been trying to think of a way to get up there ever since. We were close....closer than we have ever been as of late. I say 'we' because my husband was finally on board with the idea, but alas, it does not seem to be in the cards for us...for me. Perhaps Maine is just my dream. I am not certain it is the rest of the family's dream. My husband has many ties here in NJ; his mom and dad, a brother with whom he is close with, an Aunt and Pop-Pop and so on. He has a good and stable job, something to be thankful for in this horrible economy. Stability is golden in this horrible economy. I can see where moving 500 miles north may not be "his" dream. All my children know is New Jersey. They have roots, routines and lives here. While children are resilient - a move as big as what I was proposing may have far-reaching consequences. I know of which I speak being a child who was moved from school to school to school as a kid. I never stayed in one school for any length of time. I went to public school, Catholic school and Christian school. I would stay one to two years at a time and my parents would pull us out for "something better" which had us siblings scrambling to make new friends and "fit in" once again during our volatile youth years. Switching schools every couple of years was a challenge and not one I would wish on any of my own children. Thankfully, homeschooling has prevented that from ever being a remote possibility.

The reality of the economy under Mr. Barack Hussein Obama and our own personal choices for our budget have rendered us - well stuck. What other word is there? Most homeowners find themselves "under water" at this time. Under water is a term that means homeowners owe more on their homes than what their home is worth. We don't live in a McMansion. We live on a farm in a "raised ranch" which is really just a ranch home with three small bedrooms and a finished basement. It was a finished basement until the flood last year, which destroyed much of the "finishment" of the basement. We - the six children and I and my husband, occupy 1129 square feet at the moment. I honestly do not want to complain, but I would - in my dreams - like to have more than 2500 square feet of living space for this number of people occupying one home.

I took on a full time transcription job with the hopes of helping this family of eight pull ourselves above water to breathe. I have been transcribing medicine since 1998 and am now working on a hospital account. Full time and six kids? Yeah. This too shall pass....I hope.

For now, I will tuck my dreams of Maine inside that place where I put my dreams of being an Olympic hopeful - way down deep where it won't affect me for now, because right now it's about getting through each day, being able to pay the bills and trying to live God's will, not my own - a task, which is not easy for this headstrong Irish gal.

Be careful what you pray for...

I was just telling a friend of mine who lives in North Carolina about how I have recently been experiencing God's hand in many areas of my life lately.

Our (well, MY) desire to move to the Pine Tree State has been in my soul since the moment I crossed the state's border 13 years ago on a trip to Bar Harbor with my husband. We were "roughing it" and going to camp for the week. This is a really funny story that I will save for another time. We saw so many truly beautiful sites and what struck me the most was the clean, clear air; the deep blue skies and the rustic, almost forbidden rocky coastline. Then there was the lobster. Oh the fresh lobster from the Trenton Bridge Lobster pound which we took back to our tent and "grilled" over an open campfire and dunked in warm melted butter. My taste buds practically jumped out of my mouth saying to me, "Where have you been hiding us all these years?" I think there are just some places that get into your soul and never leave. It's different for different people; some people it just never happens to as they are just contented to stay put and live out there lives in the every day of it all. I have never been one of those people, try as I may to conform, my spirit has always been, well pioneering if that is the right word.

I only ever remember moving three times as a child. One from a small row home in a suburb of New Jersey where Fourth of July parades are a huge event and kids trick-or-treating goes on for hours and hours; a place where everyone knows everyone and if you are ever in need all you need to do is walk next door (or shout from your open window!). We moved from our row home to a single family home on the other side of the same town. Life was good. Childhood was good. We moved once more when I was about 12 to a much more rural setting. A culture shock indeed. Instead of walking to the grocery store or the corner store for lunch meat now we had to pile in the car and drive almost a half hour to grocery shop. Three moves in my "formidable years". Though I did, however, switch schools in almost every grade. I counted once and came up with 7 different schools from Kindergarden to my senior year. Sometimes we were pulled out at the end of the year, sometimes it was mid-year; each time it required a skill for making new friends quickly and fitting in became an art in and of itself. Perhaps that is why I cherish faithful, loyal friends in my adult years.

From then - after graduation and the death of my father - I moved 19 times in five years. I lived in many different states including New York, Delaware, North Carolina (shutter), New Jersey and Ohio. It never occurred to me that a move is a major deal. I just desired to go and I did. Of course I wasn't married at the time nor did I have children to tow along. I was very adventurous. I traveled to many places like Canada, Mexico, the Pocono Mountains, the Keys in Florida, Seattle, Chicago, Columbus Ohio, Washington DC, Baltimore, Blue Ridge Mountains in West Virginia, Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, Lake Placid NY, Massachusetts, Myrtle Beach SC; I could probably go on, but the point is none of these places ever really got into my soul the way that Maine has rooted itself in my heart.

So now that I am married with a family and well, roots here in NJ, the decision to follow that adventurous spirit is much more difficult because it affects more than just my life. It took years of discerning and dreaming and praying to figure out if a move would make a better way of life than what we have here. Adventurous spirit aside, it's difficult to make a living here in NJ.

A long time ago I began to pray a certain prayer to Our Lord. This was VERY difficult for me because it was asking Our Lord to take away my will and desire to move. I said, "If this is not your will for us then please take away this desire and let me just have peace of soul right here." Simple enough request right? I don't see any reason why Our Lord wouldn't honor that request from one of his children. Of course I had St. Philomena and St. Padre Pio on my side as well. I was willing to let go of my dream and my own will for God's will in my life and the life of my family. I prayed for probably two years. It never went away and in fact grew stronger.

So when my husband, who was very much against a move (he just doesn't like to move. Period.) finally said he wanted to do this move as well, it was like a small answer to prayer. So over the past six months or so we have been slowly coming to the idea that yes, we were indeed going to go and actually set a time frame, the next problem, which isn't really a problem per se, is the friends and relationships and our wonderful Traditional parish. It killed me every time we would go to Mass and I would see my children play with the children they have all grown up with - that sense of nostalgia just overtook me to the point where I would question weekly whether we were making the right choice. So I started praying that the Lord would begin to help me detach from the things that would inhibit our decision to move forward with the move. I wanted to detach in a way; I needed to detach, but I could not by my own will do so for this is my family, these are my friends and this is my place of worship; this is my whole world. But God in His providence also took care of that, though I cannot say it feels good at this moment, but I know He is answering my specific prayer.

Over the past several months I have watched many of those people with whom I had been extremely close slip further away from me, many times leaving me scratching my head as to why? What had I done? I saw different circles forming and I was finding myself outside those circles and again I couldn't understand why (see my previous post on friendships). I began to think maybe I was just being too "Type-A" and it was driving people away from me. I am not sure why I didn't put two and two together sooner, but I suddenly realized this is God's way of detaching me. He knows me. He knows how important it is for me to feel close to my friends and this was His work. I now almost feel like a visitor amongst my former close circle, just watching from the outside. I cannot say it is like this with everyone because I still feel close to a few, but I am definitely not in the center of the "hub of activity" if that makes sense.

God is good, though, because when He begins to close doors He will also open other opportunities to fill the needs of the ones He loves. At the same time the detachment started I was suddenly being led to many homeschoolers in Maine through many different avenues. I met a wonderful friend through a Maine forum and she and I have been corresponding now for five months or so. It's neat to uphold each other in prayer and give encouragement to each other because we are working toward the same goal. I also was introduced to the nicest woman who also has six children through a friend I have here in NJ. She, in turn, is going to introduce me to another family who attends the Traditional Mass in Maine. I have joined a homeschooling loop up there and have spoken with some wonderful women who truly are on fire with their faith. I marvel at their faith because I have been so inundated with the Traditional Church and the no-so-glorious-light that is shown on those who attend the Novus Ordo from some Traditional Catholics, and I see these women who attend the Ordinary Form of the Rite or the Novus Ordo (wrote another post on the Novus Ordo recently that stemmed from my reflections on these women). I keep thinking of the musical, The Sound of Music when Maria tells Mother Superior, "when God closes a window He always opens a door."

At any rate, I have complete trust that if and when we do this move we will be blessed. God will not abandon us or our children because we choose a different way of life. It's uncomfortable to let go and let God; especially uncomfortable for those who tend towards controlling the events that happen around them, ie., me.

To end, I am thankful for a wonderful husband who is willing to give up his own comfort zone; who is willing to leave his own family (though we are hoping our mother-in-law will eventually join us up there permanently) and all he has EVER known to go to a territory completely foreign to him, with the exception of vacations each year; all for love of his wife and hopefully a better life for our children. I am blessed indeed by him. I wonder if he knows how much I am thankful for him?