Seasons of change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

A season of change does not necessarily apply to the physical seasons themselves; the leaves changing in fall, the snow in winter, the flowers in spring and the green, green grass of summer. While I entirely enjoy each season and what it has to offer, with the exception perhaps of summer, the seasons of change that I am referring to here in this post is more the season of life changes. Much has happened since the birth of my last child 20 months ago. I moved into my 40's and well, life has slowed in a way. Yes, I am busy homeschooling 4 of the 6 children and tending to the house, trying to run my business Fidelis Transcripts, running and taking care of a farmette - yes that's a busy life indeed, but slowed in the fact that I am no longer pregnant indefinitely (thanks be to God) and sleep deprived and tied to the bottle in the middle of the night. Well, let's be honest - I do have my bottle, by I digress.

I am speaking of the seasons of life that a person goes through. I believe you go through one each decade. Your 20’s are all about finding love, having fun, being carefree. Your 30's are all about making your way and establishing your life while growing a family and then you hit your 40's and you wonder who you are. I know, I know - that sounds SO cliché', but for many of us we hit our 40's and realize we were so busy in our 30's just surviving childbirth and diapers and bottles that we don’t' remember who we were in our carefree 20's! We find ourselves lost in a sense.

For me personally in my 30's I clung to many very orthodox principles and went gung-ho and full fledged, following the crowd if you will of my dear friends in my circle who share my common beliefs. I read many articles, books and heard many lectures on what is supposedly right and what should be avoided at all costs and just followed them without hesitation in the spirit of "sacrifice." I didn't take into account the "sacrifice" I was already making and presenting to Our Lord just by being open to life. I was doing it all as my Type A personality usually dictates.

Some kind of light-bulb moment happened to me in the spring of 2009 after my youngest preemie was home and thriving - out of the "danger zone." We could actually breathe now and then it hit me - what now? What now? I was becoming increasingly restless and questioning why have I been doing what I have been doing for the past seven years? I started to re-evaluate my outward practices while concentrating on my inward spirituality. I made many changes, especially outwardly, specifically switching from skirts to pants on a daily basis. While I loved my time in skirts and feel it gave me a better appreciation for femininity and modesty I could feel my angst growing for having to wear them. I read much on St. Gianna Beretta Molla, a physician, a working mom, professional woman, and a loving wife and, might I add, a woman who wore pants on occasion! I began to think that following the crowd in either direction might not be such a good thing if you do not have full conviction to do so.

Many things happened after my switch. My heart and soul remained the same and in fact my spiritually increased - perhaps I was over-compensating because of some hidden guilt that I was raised with, but nevertheless - a change occurred in me. I felt like ME again and it was a freedom I hadn't felt in a long, long time. I was not so fortunate though in transitioning my new-found outward freedom with my close circle of friends. I love my circle of friends. Many of them have true conviction and are devout, humble human beings for which I hold much respect, but there was a sense of ousting that occurred. It was subtle, but it happened. Perhaps I was going through some "spiritual warfare" as one close friend put it. No - I am going through another season of life. One that many of the younger generation of orthodox Catholics might not understand because they are still in the weeds; the thick of things, unable to open up their hearts and minds that all of us evolve and change and that might not always equal something bad.

While I spent many a day hurt and puzzled by the subtle, yet obvious in ways, treatment, I think I really grew into the woman I am supposed to be in this season of my life. It's very easy to close one's mind and make rules and regulations black and white; it's much harder to try to understand the changes of close friends and then accept them for who they are and what they are going through.

I learned a valuable lesson through all of this: True friends will be there for you no matter what you are going through; fly-by-nighters will let you go and as hurtful as that is, it is a part of life and we can either treasure how we have been touched by their friendship or become bitter at the end-results.

Yes, our seasons of life change and for me and my family we look forward to a hopeful future, a possible move north and quieter way of life. Sometimes I long for the one or two close friends and distance myself from myriad of folks with opinions by the minion. Conform or lose your place. I don't need to conform. I need to be me and my soul and spirit needs to continue to long for God and follow His will. When the focus is off the material beings and moving more heavenward; it is then we truly move into the next season of our life.