Finding Closure

This is an issue that seems to be widespread amongst many people I know and I have been wanting to address this issue for a long time, but in all honesty, I didn't know what to write because I struggle so with closure. I don't struggle AS much with the issue when I know the reason behind an ending. I can attest to this with a very close realtive with whom I no longer have a relationship. The decision to set up boundaries and "end" the relationship was my decision and I clearly let this person know why it was ending. This is the fair and right thing to do. Leaving a person hanging is cowardly. That's all the insight I have into this issue and for those of you with whom this article below might help, I am glad.

5 Ways to Find Closure From the PastActions that help you move into your future
Published on April 6, 2011, by Abigail Brenner, Ph.D.

The ending of a significant piece of one's life -- a relationship, a job, a stage of life, or a way of thinking -- may be difficult and even painful for many of us. Something that you once counted on as very important to your life is over and done.

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.

So how do we do it? What are the essential ways to find closure from the past?

1) Take full responsibility for yourself.
It's ultimately up to you to take the necessary actions to help move you forward. Have conversations with yourself, both asking and answering your own questions in a form of a "self-dialogue".

•What or whom are you holding onto? Why?
•Does holding on truly make you happy, or are you hanging on to a situation the way it once was, or the way you wished it had been, instead of how it actually turned out?
•Are you using this "holding on" as an excuse to stay stuck and unresolved? In other words, is dwelling in the past taking you away from moving toward your future?
•Are you trying to avoid dealing with loss and the void that loss creates?
•If you're willing to let go, what does that really mean? What will you have to do?
•Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?
•Ultimately, what do you believe will happen to you if you let go?
Being as honest as you can be will pay off in the long run. The pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment will diminish once you've cleared the way to a better, more realistic understanding of the situation.

2)Grieve the loss.
Take plenty of time to do this. There is no set amount of time and no prescribed way; it's totally up to each person to find that for themselves. Don't let anyone tell you to "just get over it". However, grieving should not go on for years. That's just being stuck, still heavily invested in the past.

Prolonged or incomplete grief may contribute to making poor choices in the future. The ability to trust, to be honest, and to be your self is essential for a new, healthier relationship or situation to present itself to you. "Unfinished business" must be completed and resolved before you move on.

3) Gather your strengths.

•Focus on the positives. Make a list of your talents, gifts, and assets.
•Surround yourself with people who know you well, encourage and support you.
•Shift the emphasis to what you need, what makes you happy. Don't worry about pleasing others.
•Assess where you can make positive change in your life.
•Define and affirm what you're able to do something about now.

4) Make a plan for the immediate future.
Determine what's most important for you moving forward. If necessary, reorder your priorities to allow you to explore different possibilities and opportunities that may present themselves to you. Try some of these on for size. It doesn't matter if they don't work out, just that you tried. The important thing is to take action in order to make things happen. If you can't find a path, make one!

5) Create a ritual.
Believe it or not, performing a ritual is a powerful tool to help gain closure. Beyond thinking and talking, and thinking and talking some more, ritual is driven by intention and action. A "symbolic enactment" allows you to utilize your creativity and intuition in order to bypass the intellectual, logical part of your brain.

For example, when a relationship is over, what do you do with all of the meaningful items and objects, such as letters, pictures, etc., that were part of the relationship? A "fire ceremony" is a way to consume the past, but any number of rituals that you personally create can provide symbolic finality and closure.

Finding closure allows you to move into your future, unencumbered and optimistic. And hopefully, you'll find that when all is said and done, you will have learned something valuable from all of the significant events and people in your life -- even if they didn't work out the way you thought they would.

New Horizons

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.
~ George Washington ~

The Lord had to break my heart before I could let myself leave....
~ A dear friend of mine ~

"Yes, there have been gaps in their [my children] education, but we'll handle it from here."
~ A Sister of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart of Mary ~

I have been meaning to blog for some time now but time I have very little of! So the three above quotes have great meaning to me. The last two were said to me very recently, the first quote will be words I will live by after we leave our home in New Jersey and start anew in Massachusetts. I was recently reading a book and in it the author said something to this effect, "A person will change and re-evaluate their life about every 10 years. They will stop and re-evaluate their life, relationships will change, grow and sometimes cease. Anyone worth his salt in this life can and should make changes every decade. If you have been married 50 years you should have at least 5 different relationships with your husband." I really thought about that and yes, that's about right on the mark and I believe I blogged about making changes in a previous post a few months back. The essence of who you are deep down never really changes, but it's good to check yourself every 10 years or so. I believe each decade a person matures and sees through a different set of eyes.
We have been praying for literally several years to find God's will for us. Raising six children in the state of NJ is difficult to say the least. Property tax, car insurance etc...all rank highest in the country. Frankly I was burning out FAST from homeschooling and having to work part time. My oldest was nearing high school and I wondered whether she would get an adequate education from me or my husband, or if we needed a tutor (more $$$). It was about time....that once every 10 year-re-evaluate happened and boy was it a whopper! My heart wanted to go to Maine and I tried everything to make it possible. No doors ever really opened. My husband, who is much more level headed than myself kept saying, if we are to make a move and leave New Jersey it might as well be a place where the children can go to school and get a good education under the guidance of some good nuns and brothers. Essentially there were two options: St. Mary's, Kansas and Still River MA. I really fought against this idea because I wanted to be in Maine so badly. I kept telling myself I would be a better homeschooling mom if we were in such a peaceful place such as the Pine Tree State. I was kidding myself. As soon as winter break was over and the kids started their curriculum back up I KNEW I could no longer homeschool. During their winter break I took on a full time job transcribing acute care for a hospital and trying to transcribe and educate the children properly was a huge failure.
On a whim, I called the sisters of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart. We had toured their school several years ago while visiting friends of ours who moved out of New Jersey up to the Massachusetts area to put their homeschooled kids in school. We loved the school and the sisters and brothers we had met, but it still wasn't God's time back then. Fast forward to my phone call. I spoke with the sister about what openings they might have as classes easily fill up and they have waiting lists for certain grades. There was an opening for my oldest in both 9th and 8th grade, depending on where she tested. For my younger 8 and 9 year old, their grade 4 was already filled. This was a great disappointment, BUT sister said, "How about I send you some information and an application. Fill it out and we'll schedule a weekend for you to come up and test the kids." So that's what we did. In the end all three of my older children got in the school! There is no Kindergarten so I will have my 6 and 5 year old home with me for another year, as well as my baby Philomena.
We were so pleased, but yet there were so many obstacles to face. How would we EVER sell our home in this market? That, too, was taken care of by Good St. Joseph. What about renting in Massachusetts? What would we do? St. Joseph also took care of this for us. In my perpetual novenas to both St. Joseph and St. Philomena, I just placed all my cares in their hands and asked them to give those worries and difficult, seemingly impossible situations, to the Father. They both came through for our family.
Only a year or so ago, if you had asked me if I would EVER be able to leave our family and friends I would have honestly had to say that I couldn't see how I could ever leave my immediate family and my extended church family. So in my nightly prayers, starting about a year ago I started asking Our Lord to detach me from those things that would hold us back from HIS WILL for us. I never dreamed His detachment would have broken my heart. Hence, the above quote from a good and dear friend. I asked this person, "How did you ever leave?" She said to me very simply, "God had to break our hearts before paving the way to move on." So we are where they were a few years back. I suppose sometimes God needs to really show us where our priorities WERE so that we can make a clear and clean path to following HIS priorities for us. Speaking for myself, my extended friend base with whom I was closest to revolved around church. They were like family and as close as family. But our Good Lord slowly detached me from them, sometimes in ways that puzzled me, sometimes in very harsh ways that tore me apart from the inside. But now I can say I see the wisdom in that because I can leave and not look back. My good friend who left the same environment said she, too, never looked back and moving was the best thing that ever happened to them. I pray this will be our case as well.
I am leaving much wiser for it as the quote from George Washington states, "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence." I have met some wonderful folks up north, who are very involved in their school and parish, but I go treading lightly, wanting only to look from the outside in; having learned very valuable lessons here in NJ. You make yourself vulnerable by giving all of yourself away to others you feel you can trust. It only takes on time to be crushed by a person you once thought close as a blood relative to know that sometimes it is just easier to live your own life, be
courteous to all, but intimate with few' and I will add a very SMALL number of few.
I am working two jobs now helping save money for tuition and the move and it keeps me busy, which is a good thing, but I have my moments of great heartache and sorrow. I also turn that over to St. Philomena and Our Lady to use for my own good. I have grown quite a bit, learned who I am and where I am comfortable. I have learned that conforming for the sake of conforming is somewhat like the Pharisees of old. I have learned that a true friend gives sound and godly advice and doesn't do anything to betray the trust that is placed in each other. True friends do not condone the terrible behavior of others in either a covert or an overt way. I've learned in life we do not need to have a LOT of people around us to function. We need our family, our children and a few trusted folks to keep our lives happy and sound. I have learned to be myself whether anyone else likes it or not. I have learned in life there are times one must try our best to conform to the ideals of others out of respect, but not lose yourself in the process. I have learned that God gave us a mind to think, reason and use judgment (not PASS judgment) to get along in this life and we are capable of this use of reason without the nod of yea or nay from a formal group. I have learned that it is a good thing to step out of the elitist circle and just be an average person who, like most others, is just trying to do the right thing. I have learned we can and do make mistakes but we are a better person if we have learned by our mistakes.

Forging ahead

Well with the close of yet another month and the winter in its dormant state filled with one gray day after another; at times choosing to allow sunshine to bring each of us out of our tepid state of mind - our family is diligently moving forward with our plans to move up north. Our original goal was to go up to Massachusetts August first of the this year, but there may be a possibility of moving it back one month because my oldest goes to camp in New Hampshire in July and the thoughts of two trips north while trying to pack is daunting at best. So we may be going up a month early and settling in around the first of July. Realtors have been contacted and the search is on to accommodate a family of 8 and four dogs. The dogs seem to be an obstacle at the moment as not many renters want to let a family of 8 AND their dogs stay at their property, for which I can completely understand. We are in the midst of a 30-day novena to good St. Joseph for whom I know will lend us a helping hand and sort out the details of the house rental.

I have taken on a full time job and have been working daily - I mean DAILY as in 7 days a week since January. It's been daunting. It's been exhausting, but I strive on knowing the money made will be going towards our goal this fall. It's been an adjustment for the children who have to entertain themselves and work hard on their studies before next fall with little help from me. I am thankful my oldest daughter, now a teenager is so responsible and helpful with the other children. The adjustment is felt by all, but we are all on the same page, most days anyhow. I have been known to threaten public school until we move to the kids on bad days, but they seem to get the message that we all need to pitch in and make this work. So I am thankful for that.

While I am happy and excited about the move I also have been revisited by my old friend anxiety and depression. I have been a sufferer for years now; most likely migraine induced depression - since the birth of my first child 13 years ago. I know it's a bit of a stigma and no one likes to talk about it. I have had friends email me privately and ask about antidepressants and the like because they don't feel comfortable talking about it in other circles. I think it's a shame to feel ashamed or the need to keep an illness like depression under wraps, but the reality is people don't want to talk about it; feel uncomfortable around those who suffer and really don't know what to do with depression sufferers as a whole. Most pull away; some hang around, but distance themselves, others can relate and those are the ones with whom you can unload and have a good cry with. Thank God for those in my life who have a broad shoulder. Coordinating a move is difficult and there are so many little factors. I can feel the rush of anxiety hit once to three times per day, but I know with God's help and the support of caring folks around us we'll make it to our destination and begin a new journey. I know the burden of schooling six children being lifted from my shoulders has already made a huge impact in my outlook on so many things. The world doesn't seem so dark and foreign anymore.

Asked if I will miss it here - I say no for now, but know I will miss the convenience of attending family functions and parties and the familiarity of all the things I know of my home state, but I look forward knowing we have made the correct decision for our family and know we'll be blessed by it.

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.”
~ Og Mandino

Quotations for motivation!

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. ~Author Unknown

Success is 10% inspiration, 90% last-minute changes. ~From a billboard advertisement

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

Part of the issue of achievement is to be able to set realistic goals, but that's one of the hardest things to do because you don't always know exactly where you're going, and you shouldn't. ~George Lucas

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time. ~Author Unknown

Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare. ~Japanese Proverb

When the horse is dead, get off. ~Author Unknown (I like this one a lot!!)

Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals - Aristotle

Interesting to say the least...

It's been an interesting month to say the least. Our whole entire course has been set anew. I am happy and looking towards the goal and the new path that has been set, yet troubled in some ways by the path that had already been laid behind me. I write the following for closure on this hurtful chapter in my life (quite different from "obsessing") and with it a great sense of freedom.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. ~Robert Frost

Recently, I received a hurtful, mean, spiteful email from a former "friend." It made me doubt who I am, what kind of person, friend, Christian I am. No one wants to be in that place. No one wants to be taken down to the level of tears and heartache over who you are.

Yet, I am thankful that I got it because I was able to examine my thought process, my decision making and what I really want out of life; the path I am on etc...While I am not perfect (!) by any stretch of the imagination, the one quality I do possess is loyalty. G. K. Chesterton said, "We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea,and we owe each other a terrible loyalty." Perhaps it's because I am almost 100% Irish with a little tiny German thrown in there; Always remember to forget, the friends that proved untrue. But never forget to remember those that have stuck by you! ~ Irish proverb but I seem to hurt for a moment in time and have a great resolve to move on and forget the misfortunes that have afflicted me. This is a skill not easily mastered though one worth pursuing.

I am thankful at the end of the day for true, loyal friends - those who I know in person; some more than 30 years and going strong, those with whom I have been friends with for more than 10 years through the internet and my family for knowing my worth and validating that worth to me. Somebody close to me said, "Walk with your head held high and forget those who think they know what they are talking about. Deep down they are the ones who are truly hurting." There is a great deal of truth in that statement.

My profile for this blog reveals that this blog was started as my sanity in an insane situation - being hospitalized with my last child for two months and I say it is still my sanity. We live in a VERY politically correct world where most people are afraid to say what they are really feeling and even more afraid to stand up for themselves, defend their own decisions and walk proudly with their head held high. I made some mistakes, yes and have even taken the last week to seek out and make ammends to those with whom I have hurt, isolated or made to feel like an outsider. I, too, was once caught up in the high and mighty mentality, though I would not admit it at the time; it was more important to fit in than be put out. How very blind I was.

Woe to you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites; because you go round about the sea and the land to make one proselyte; and when he is made, you make him the child of hell twofold more than yourselves. St. Matthew 23:15

I was told I needed to seek counseling, "spiritual or otherwise." Judged by a person who has known me for a little time and understands me even less. The only consolation I can think of is that someday this person, and those with whom she surrounds herself will mature and see the world and those around them as what they are, imperfect creatures, created in God's image, striving to do their best; fallen in nature, but always picking themselves up and carrying on. It is still our christian duty to pray for those who have hurt you and to forgive. Everyone is carrying a weight that no one else will truly appreciate lest they walk a mile in that person's shoes. The hardest thing to do is pray for those who have offended you or hurt you, but prayer mends the heart and forgiveness is the only true path to spiritual growth.

I am counting down the days until August with great anticipation; not to escpae, but to start anew and do what God has planned for us. We prayed for him to open the doors and now He has. We need to grasp hold of His hand and have Him lead us and only seek to do His holy will, else nothing else makes sense.

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." ~ Helen Keller

Unexpected New Paths

Anyone who has been following this blog...(does anyone actually follow this blog?) knows that for a few YEARS my heart has been in Maine. Maine was my goal and all I thought about; something I worked towards and dreamed about.

Now, the Lord, in His wisdom happened to give me a wonderful and insightful husband, slow to impulsive activities (thankfully) and careful and deliberate in thought and judgment. I cannot say he did not want to move to Maine for I believe out of sheer love for me he would have. His argument to me over the past few years has been, "If we are going to uproot the family and move far away, why not move where there is a Traditional Catholic school in case of homeschool burnout?" Again, in his wisdom he knew how much I was struggling with homeschooling, how much my desire to homeschool has waned with every new child born. In addition, trying to make ends meet in this horrendous economy, living in one of the highest taxed states in the nation made it also very impossible to homeschool AND work. I work as a medical transcriptionist and have since 1998. Burnout? Yes. Probably three years ago, but I hung on because as a family we felt there was no option where we live now.

My wonderful husband kept suggesting Still River, MA where there is a Traditional Catholic School and Parish and where we have dear friends as well. I bucked that suggestion for a long time. I wanted Maine and my stubborn Irish self wanted what I wanted.

So for the past two years I have been saying a perpetual novena to St. Philomena and to St. Anne for answers; for doors to open if it be God's will. Nothing happened. And then I got a full time transcription job. This was good timing because the children were on winter break (they took a winter break instead of a summer one) so I could work and not have to school. A few weeks ago my daughter was somewhat in a bad mood and I asked what was wrong and she said, "Well school starts soon." I had a mini-panic attack about 20 minutes later as I realized the monumental task that working full time and homeschooling four children would be.

I can only say it was like my eyes were opened and instantly I picked up the phone and called the good Sisters at the Immaculate Heart of Mary School. I inquired whether there were any openings for a ninth grader and two fourth graders. I was told someone would get back to me. I waited all weekend and all through Monday. As each hour passed I felt more and more anxious. Sister finally called and said yes, there were openings in both 8th grade and 9th grade, but none in 4th, however, there were some in 3rd. Almost immediately after I hung up from our conversation I felt a HUGE burden lifted...like this could really happen. She was to send an application and then schedule an interview and testing for the children.

At the same time I called our realtor and asked about our home worth. Surprisingly, our home is worth more than we thought. More good news.

I got a call yesterday from Sister asking us to come up NEXT MONTH for the interview and testing and to have the children sit in on classes for the day. To say that Our Lord has opened the doors for us and shown us His will *not mine* is to say the least - obvious!

So, come August first we are headed up to Massachusetts to start a new life. My lifelong homeschooled children will be in the care of the good nuns of the Slaves of the Immaculate Heart as well as the brothers.

I just find it interesting where God leads you in life. One might have a specific plan or goal, but God might have something totally different planned for you. Patience is not really a virtue for me, but I did learn quite a bit of patience waiting on God's response over the past two years.

We'll leave here missing our family - my sister and brothers and sister-in-law and brother-in-law and our nieces and nephews; our good friends the Rooneys as well. But as God had it in His plans - He has been detaching me from things and people not good for my soul or temperament (!) over the last year anyway, thus making it very easy to leave and start anew. Thankfully we go to a place where we have one of our closest friend's, the Meiers' who live up in Massachusetts and have made this journey six years ahead of us. We hope to gain much insight from their experience.

I will continue to trust God will let the pieces fall into place. Moving on seems to be easier than I thought it would be....

Climb 'Til Your Dream Comes True

By Helen Steiner Rice

Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember,
The hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart
Start upward
And climb 'til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is ever too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it,
And you have the faith to believe.
For faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill,
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God's wisdom and will.
For faith is a mover of mountains,
There's nothing that God cannot do,
So, start out today with faith in your heart,
And climb 'til your dream comes true!